A Letter To F.C.

Dear F.C.

If you’re reading this, it means I was finally able to mail this letter without a dog intercepting it at the mailbox and chewing on it as if it were a leftover pork chop with a strong scent of BBQ sauce. 

This is attempt number ten. Which means nine times out of ten, a dog will eat a letter I’m trying to send out to Los Angeles. Math!

How was that for a fancy transition? Speaking of fancy, and transitions, what’s it like living in Los Angeles. Is it as glamorous as the fake smiles on talk shows? Have you ever seen a celebrity in person? Does everyone want to be famous? Do they sell glue sticks?

From three time zones away, Los Angeles looks like a warm place. And by warm, I mean the weather. Snow isn’t that bad, you guys should try it out some time! 

Did someone mention winter? Oh, I did! Funny how that happened. This leads me into one of the questions you had for me. In case you forgot, you wanted to know what my conspiracy theory is for why penguins can’t fly.

I have to say, you’ve come to the right person. I love conspiracy theories. Not because I think they are always legitimate, but because it’s fun to ponder alternate explanations and get lost in the fictitiousness of it. 

No idea if I used “fictitiousness” in the proper context. 

Here is my theory on why penguins can’t fly:

Penguins don’t have passports. They have pengports, as you know. So when they prepare to board a flight, their pengport is denied because it doesn’t have their picture on it. That’s a problem. In reality, penguins can’t operate cameras. It’s not their fault that their pengport doesn’t have a photo. I think it’s a shame that they can’t fly as a result. The world should be more accepting of penguins and their pengports.

What’s that? They can fly on airplanes and you were asking me why they themselves can’t fly? I knew that…

Alright, here’s the truth. I know you wanted a conspiracy theory, but I’m coming with the cold hard facts, instead.

Penguins are like barrels. Google it. That’s not a fat joke. That’s just the shape of their body. Except unlike a barrel, penguins have arms. However, their arms aren’t big enough. They don’t workout. Who can blame them?

Don’t believe me? Well, have you ever seen a penguin pumping iron at the gym? Exactly!

Anyway, their arms are too small to support their barrel of a body in the sky. And to add on to that, they don’t have the necessary foot speed for takeoff.

Rumour has it that back in the 70s, Psycho P (a penguin daredevil) attempted to fly. He created the first every penguin rollerblades, got some rope from the farm that he lived on, and had his friends pull him with a motorbike just so he could get enough speed for liftoff.

Well, things didn’t go as planned. Psycho P never even left the ground and his rollerblades fell off. His mom (everyone called her Mama P) wasn’t too happy. Other penguins called him a chicken for not trying again. Psycho P felt epengulated when they said that and went into hiding. At least that’s what the history books say. 

There you have it. Penguins can’t fly because they don’t build up their arm strength, don’t have the foot speed for liftoff, and have a barrel shaped body. 

Speaking of Canada! Actually no one was talking about Canada. But now that I am, how about I use this opportunity to transition into your second question for me!

You wanted to know what it’s like when people find out I’m Canadian. 

This question had me stumped. Mainly because I’ve never really paid attention to how bloggers treat me when they find out I’m Canadian. I’ll tell you one thing, though, no one has sent me a bottle of maple syrup in the mail yet. There’s always tomorrow…

I have had many conversations with people about how Canadian customs differentiate from their own. And how Canadians are friendly. And how we spell words differently. All in all, it’s not really a big deal. Everyone needs at least one Canadian friend, right?

You’ve done a lot of travelling to other countries, do you get a strange reaction when/if you tell people you’re from America? 

I’m sure that exchange must be interesting. 

Speaking of exchanges, I have never exchanged money for coffee ever in my life. Don’t like the stuff. You told me you can only tolerate law-tays and frap-uh-chee-nose. Sorry, spelling those words properly was too hard. 

The coffee culture is strong. Is “coffee culture” a thing, or did I just create it? Have you ever noticed how people with a coffee or a specialized Starbucks drink have to tell everyone exactly what they ordered?

I don’t go around blurting out my McDonald’s order. Maybe I should. The world should know!

PLAIN QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE, FRIES, COKE, AND TWO APPLE PIES. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE APPLE PIES?

And on that note, I must be going. 

Thank you for reading my blog and allowing me to read yours. After writing my travel post a few weeks ago, I realized just how hard they can be to put together and you seem to do it seamlessly whenever you recount one of your adventures. 

I hope you enjoyed this letter and continue to share your words on the internet, whether penguins can fly, or not.

That last sentence may not have made much sense but let’s assume it did.

Passports and penguins, 


Psycho P

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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11 Responses to A Letter To F.C.

  1. rebbit7 says:

    Ah, I just woke up and saw this! Love it so much! Thank you, Paul.

    You’re right; penguins are barrels with weak arm strength. Should’ve thought about that sooner!

    Yes, as an American, I get called out for my Americanness whenever I travel out of the country. People abroad are always curious to ask me if Americans are really that fat (uh…) and what do I think about the upcoming presidential elections (oy vey…). Can get annoying, but hey, I’d do the same to them if they visited the US!

    Thanks again for the letter; it made my day!

    Liked by 4 people

    • Paul says:

      So glad you liked it! I’m sorry it took a while.
      Oh yeah, I figured you would get bombarded with election talk. Probably a lot of people saying “Trump” and looking disgruntled. That’s just rude asking if Americans are fat.

      Liked by 1 person

      • rebbit7 says:

        No problem! I always look forward to your writing no matter how long it takes!

        Yup…everyone with their opinions on the elections. Can’t wait until it’s over in November; I can then have a peace of mind!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        In Canada, our election process last year lasted for 3 months and it was the longest in our history. You guys have to endure election coverage for almost 2 years!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. rebbit7 says:

    Reblogged this on The Finicky Cynic and commented:
    A heartwarming (and funny!) letter from one of my favorite bloggers. Thanks for the dedication, Paul!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. One of my favorite books as a child was Pablo, The Penguin Who Hated the Cold. You would love it Paul. Glad to see that you’ve resurfaced.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Barb Knowles says:

    I love coffee. I hate Starbucks. There, that’s out of the way. I do love penguins, not that I’ve ever met one. As for being Canadian, I didn’t think twice about it because I’m pretty sure it’s on your “About” page. However….when I was in college, I lived in Segovia, Spain for a while as part of my studies towards my degree. Very few people believed that I was American. And I have an American accent when I speak Spanish (not a horrible one, but one none the less). The reason they didn’t believe it was that I had long black hair and fair (Irish ancestry) skin. The stereotype of all Americans at the time, was long blond hair and tanned skin. A number of people actually said “no you’re not.” It shocked me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Wow that must’ve been frustrating. Blonde and fair skinned? Isn’t that Sweden? haha. Were you ever able to convince anyone that you weren’t an undercover spy from “whereabouts unknown”?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Barb Knowles says:

        I think at the time, which was 1975, and I was in a smallish city, the information was just from tv shows. And California had the stereotype of being blue-eyed, blond haired. Actually my husband is blue-eyed and blond-haired lol.

        Liked by 1 person

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