I Had A Dream My iPhone Was Possessed

I took a nap today to recharge my batteries because I’m a robot. Yes, I slept next to the electrical outlet. How else do you think a person robot recharges their batteries?

Anyways, I was only out like a light (keeping with the electrical theme) for about an hour and had a pretty wild dream. Here’s what happened.

In my dream, I woke up from a nap and grabbed my iPhone, just like 106% of society does after they wake up. When I looked at my phone, though, weird things were going on. It was doing things on its own.

One app would open, scroll a bit, and then close. Then something else opened up. All while I’m not even touching the screen. Maybe I was controlling it with my eyes. Who knows? Not me.

And then I received a text. I opened it and realized I was stuck in a dreaded triple threat match…errr I mean, a three person group chat.

One of the people was someone I haven’t talked to since Grade 11 and the other person was someone who just unfollowed me on Instagram, which I found out right before I took my actual nap.

Yeah, I’m bitter about it. I guess that coffee I brought them four years ago didn’t mean that much to them!

Anyways, so I’m in this three person chat with two other people who shouldn’t even know each other. They’re texting back and forth and I pretend not to see it. While that’s going on, my phone decides to escalate the situation.

It started calling people!

First one up was my best friend Chris. It rang a couple of times and then I hung up. Not a minute later, Chris called me and I dropped my phone like it was a hot potato and the music was about to stop. Shoutout to my 4th birthday party.

I didn’t want to answer it. What if the phone bit my ear off as I put it to my face?

Forward thinking, kids. Get some.

So what did Chris do? He left a message. I listened to the message.

He started off talking very slowly and professionally. He stated his full name, age, date (he said August 16; smart) and the phone number I could reach him at.

Then he got to his message and he changed his voice!

He sounded like a mobster with his eyebrows raised and his mouth aggressively frowning as he spoke. I can only imagine that his shoulders were hunched forward and his hands were gesturing like he was conducting an orchestra.

Chris, confirm or deny?

As for what he was saying, he said the following: “Why would you call me and hang up man? Who who whoo would do that? Who calls someone (dramatic mob pause) and hangs up on them? (Chuckles in the background). I’m gonna do that to you. Yeah. I’m gonna call you and hang up.”

Now imagine him saying that in a threatening mob voice. He sounded like someone who would be nicknamed Smalls, but is the tallest one in the group.

Once I finished listening to his message, with no intent in responding, I started to get more calls, one after the other. I felt like a pizza place on Super Bowl Sunday.

“Would you like 20 wings and cinnamon sticks with that to complete the combo? Great. It’ll be there in 3 weeks because we’re busy.”

Three people left messages. It was a nightmare. And then that three person group chat started up again.

“We can see that you’ve read the message Paul, stop ignoring us.”

I rushed to fix my settings but my phone wouldn’t let me. It was in control.

It went on Instagram and liked old photos on as many people’s accounts as possible.

By this point I had had enough, tapped out of the dream, and woke up. I grabbed my phone, it was not possessed, and I sighed heavily.

I sound like such a millennial. Sorry. Eh, now I sound Canadian!

Moral of the dream? Phones control us and there is nothing we can do about it. Also, naps aren’t for recharging, phones are.

Goodnight.

There will be more blog posts where I share dreams that I have while I’m asleep, as long as I remember them.