Restaurant Mishaps

It’s safe to say that I’ve been to a restaurant or two, or nine hundred and fifty-six in my life. What can I say? Food is good. Paul eat food. Nom nom nom nom nom. What’s for dinner?

But not all restaurant outings are made equal. Sometimes eating food ain’t so easy and it makes you feel queasy. Other times, you do dumb things that you never forget. And by you, I mean me.

So sit back, hold your stomach, and let me tell you about some of my restaurant mishaps.

Ice Cubes From Hell
It was a regular day. I woke up. I got dressed. I went to Pizza Hut with my friends. This was back during my childhood, which I classify as any time within the last twenty-five years.

But seriously, I was a kid when this happened.

The waiter (or maybe it was a waitress?) came to serve the table the moment we sat down. The temperature of my seat hadn’t changed half a degree and this waiter was already there. Great service!

They came with pitchers of ice cubes, which they proceeded to pour into everyone’s glass. They got to me and something went horribly awry. I’m talking, the-mailman-accidently-put-your-mail-in-your-neighbour’s-mailbox level of awry.

The waiter was standing behind me as they were pouring the ice cubes. All of a sudden, they went down the back of my shirt. I felt like a human Plinko board. One after another, down the chute.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” they said as they continued to pour frozen cubes of water down the back of my shirt. Very few cubes went in the glass.

In a way, it was good aim. But still.

By this point, my back was starting to change temperatures. Was this new? Was everyone supposed to get ice down their back? Is this an alternative to hot towels or water bowls that some places give?

The answer turned out to be “no”.

Chris, I know you’re reading this and laughing wildly. (He was there).

Pizza Shirt
I was a little 7-year-old chap celebrating my communion by having a lunch at my favourite Italian buffet with my family and extended relatives. I wore a nice navy blue and white striped golf shirt, which was tucked into my trousers because I didn’t dress myself was fancy.

God, I love the word “trousers.”

Anyways, this was heaven on earth. Special occasions at restaurants mean you get to stay there for anywhere between two to three hours and they won’t kick you out.

I ate 12 slices of pizza that day. I have yet to break that record. I may never break it.

But one slice of pizza didn’t quite get to my mouth. I dropped it, cheese side down, on my chest. I had a huge triangle of sauce on my shirt. The stain never came out. And it’s a shame because I really liked that shirt.

It matched my trousers. Some would call it a nice ensemble.

I should do a fashion blog sometime.

We’re about two decades after the fact and my family still jokes about that incident.

Spilled Milk
I used to drink white milk all the time at restaurants when I was a kid because chocolate milk is the devil. Fight me in the comments.

One time, I asked for a refill and they brought it to the table filled all the way to the top.

I’m telling you, you couldn’t fit an eyelash between where the milk ended and the top of the glass started. It was a tight fit.

Me being a kid, I picked up the glass and stood up. I don’t know why I stood up, but that seems to be what kids do when they drink from a glass. Yes, I’ve done research. No, it wasn’t in a creepy way, you fools!

This glass had a straw, but that didn’t matter. I stood up to take a sip and spilled half the glass all over the table, floor, and myself.

Oops?

Exit or Kitchen?
It was New Year’s Eve 2013. Myself and three friends were in Michigan to watch the outdoor hockey game the following day. But that night, we went to Olive Garden because we don’t get such a delicacy in Canada.

Side note: I’m a week and a half away from being reunited with an Olive Garden. I can’t wait. Read into that what you will.

We finished our meal and I lead the way out. Or, at least I thought I was. I walked into another dining room and thought the exit was on the other end of it. Halfway through my jaunt between other people’s tables, my friends called out to me. They were miles behind me.

I had gone the wrong way. I was headed to the kitchen, not the exit.

In my defence, if you had to choose between the kitchen or the exit, which would you choose? EXACTLY. Follow your nose, kids!

My jacket said “Canada” on the back so I embarrassed the entire country. We can tuck that detail under the rug ENDLESS SUPPLY OF BREAD AND SALAD, though.

Let The Brownies Hit The Floor
Oh dear. This one happened at the same restaurant as the milk incident. It was a buffet. I went up for dessert and proceeded to put two brownies on a small plate.

I held the plate in my left hand and the tongs in my right. Are you picturing it?

Okay. After I placed the brownies on my plate, I put the tongs down and grabbed the plate with my right hand. Both hands were securely on the plate. Emphasis on “securely”.

I turned around to walk back to my table and not even two steps later, I had tilted the plate at a 73 degree angle, which meant my brownies went for a nose dive onto the floor.

What did I do next? I looked up to see if anyone saw, of course.

Staring right at me was one of the workers who brings the food out from the back. He told me not to worry about it, picked up the lifeless brownies, and took them away.

I was still holding the plate! So I put two new brownies on board, got them ready for lift off, put on Finding Nemo to distract them, and then successfully flew the plate back to the table and landed it without a hitch.

If you’re wondering, the brownies rated Finding Nemo a solid 3.5 chocolate chunks/4.

I’m pretty sure the restaurant staff put tape down where the brownies met their death. No word on if they’re going to put up a plaque to commemorate them, though.

Those brownies had a family. And I killed them.

C’est la vie.

Have you ever had a restaurant mishap? Perhaps a chicken soup that flew the coop? Let me know in the comments below!

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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30 Responses to Restaurant Mishaps

  1. James says:

    I can’t specify a particular restaurant mishap but I generally avoid wearing clothing that will stain when I’m eating out. I did once show off my (very basic knowledge) of Italian by ordering for my whole family in a pretentious Italian accent, even though the waiters could all clearly speak English. I looked an even bigger fool when the meals all arrived and my family were tucking into various pasta dishes and I had a very non-Italian looking chicken escalope, demonstrating that I hadn’t understood the menu at all.
    By the way, did you cry over the milk spilling incident? Because apparently there’s no point in doing that…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Hahaha when in doubt look at the pictures on the menu if there are any. Though I give you full marks for putting on an Italian accent and trying to show off. The best of us do that. I made sure not to cry over the spilled milk! I went up for more food.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jess says:

    Ohh Paul, I’m actually really surprised that you love Olive Garden. Italians in America scoff at that stuff. But I have to admit, the Chicken Alfredo and bread sticks really hit the spot. There is one restaurant mishap I can really think of and it was when I was about 4. My family and I went out to eat and as my toddler little self was getting sleepy since it was probably hitting about 10pm, the waitress wanted to take me in the back and pick out an ice cream flavor. There was one cook there that my family LOVED but he was hugeeeee compared to my tiny size. He looked like Hagrid but scarier. Anyways, the waitress pulls me into the kitchen and low and behold, there was Hagrid in a gorilla mask trying to scare the waitress by popping up from behind a door. Little did he know I was with her….I screamed so loud my mother could hear me from the dining room. I ran off and hid under the table. Hagrid felt terrible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Yeah I can’t stand people who say, “I don’t like that restaurant because it’s fake (Insert their heritage) food. Just shut up already. If you want the real thing go live in that country. Happens all the time here too with various cultures. Just eat the food. Sorry, got carried away there. HOW ARE YOU NOT TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE AFTER THAT? Or maybe you are. Is this why you do art? It calms you? I can just picture that cook explaining himself, “I…uh…wanted to scare the waitress so I brought a gorilla mask from home and kept it in a drawer until the opportunity arose.” I’m sure when he took it off it was like a Scooby Doo moment when they reveal the bad guy was someone you trusted.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jess says:

        Hahaha I’ve never seen you get this carried away! My friend who happens to be Italian said to me the other day that she really wanted pizza. I said, “We can go to Whole Foods. They have decent pizza.” And she was like, “No…I want REAL pizza.” I was like, “……that was such an Italian thing to say.” She started laughing about it and then called me racist.

        The guy already scared me to begin with and he tried everything to assure me that he was a good person. Of course I finally started warming up to him when he pulled that prank and it just ruined everything haha

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        You struck a nerve haha. “Real pizza”. Ugh this is what I’m talking about. I can understand how people can prefer one pizza place over another but come on. If I’m in a desert without food I’m not turning down “fake italian food”. Don’t know where that analogy came from.

        Haha I’m picturing the whole sequence playing out. Too funny.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. lololol that Pizza Hut waiter, classic

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Chuckled all the way through. I love your style of story telling. Hope you are having a great day 🙂 thanks for sharing your restaurant mishaps

    Liked by 2 people

  5. rebbit7 says:

    Funny stories! I don’t recall having a restaurant mishap, but in any case, I hope you reunite with Olive Garden soon; it’s a good Italian joint!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. yarluna19 says:

    I have to say I laughed numerous times while reading this! As a resident of Illinois, I’m surrounded by Olive Gardens -it’s heaven.
    As for a mishap, I was at Buffalo Wild Wings (have you tried it? If not, don’t let this next part discourage you!) and unfortunately found a dead cricket in my salad. The manager’s face turned bright red when I showed him and he apologized endlessly. My family’s dinner was covered for the current and following 2 visits and I got 2 free desserts! I guess it was my fault for ordering a chicken salad at a wing’s place 💁

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      I’m so jealous. I wish I was surrounded by Olive Gardens!

      A dead cricket!?!? That would be low on the list of insects I’d expect to find. Haha as a matter of fact I might be going to a Buffalo Wild Wings for the first time next week and was planning to get something other than wings lol. I’ll keep my eyes peeled, though I wouldn’t mind free visits and free desserts!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Dean says:

    Surprisingly enough I can’t ever recall having a restaurant mishap! The only one I can really think of was when I was in Pizza Hut with my friends a few years ago. We got into a fit of laughing, for no apparent reason, and couldn’t control ourselves for the rest of the meal. All to the dissatisfaction of our waiter, who presumably thought we were laughing at him!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. darthtimon says:

    The mishap that springs to mind is… Pizza Hut! And like your tale of woe Paul, mine involves a slice of hot, cheesy pizza going somewhere it shouldn’t.

    No, not there.

    I don’t remember all the toppings, but I do remember it was hot, and it landed right on my inner thigh. My jeans deflected most of the heat, but not all of it, and the stain… To quote Lord Vader, it was ‘most impressive’.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Ahh! That’s a pizza eater’s worst nightmare. Poor landing spot too. There must be something about Pizza Hut that causes unfortunate things to happen. I hope you got to enjoy the rest of the pizza!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Chocolate milk IS the devil. There’s never enough chocolate in there. When you can stand a fork up in it, THAT’S chocolate milk. Also, it’s better with bourbon but most kids don’t find that out until much later in life, poor little things.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I can’t think of one of mine, but one time I was out with my frenemy (who was my enemy at the time- it was a group outing so I was forced to be with her) and she was being obnoxiously rude to me and gave me an anxiety attack. She suddenly wacked her hand over an ice cold Sprite as she was talking and spilled it over the lap of a a very good looking single guy that one of my friends brought for us to meet!! Poor guy had to grab towels and go to the restroom. She was so embarrassed she didn’t say anything throughout the whole dinner. Ha. She had it coming.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. peckapalooza says:

    First of all, yes… chocolate milk is the devil. But I think that of all things chocolate. So maybe the problem lies with me. Moving on…

    When I was in college, I was somewhat known for this really loud, really obnoxious fake laugh that I could do. Everyone thought it was hilarious/embarrassing. But no matter what they thought, they seemed impressed that I could just stop it at any given moment like turning off a faucet. I don’t get what the big deal is. Fast forward [REDACTED] years later and I’m hanging out with my current group of friends who have never experienced “The Laugh.” We’re at the local Olive Garden (apparently some sort of universal nexus) and discussing unique abilities over endless soup, salad, and breadsticks. I mention “The Laugh” and someone dares me to do it. So, in the middle of a crowded Olive Garden during Sunday afternoon lunch, I burst into insane laughter for approximately 30 seconds. When I quit, the joint was dead silent. So many stares. One of the girls that was with us immediately asked for her check and wanted to leave, it embarrassed her that badly. For a few weeks, I was under the impression that she never wanted to be seen in public with me again. I don’t embarrass easily, but I sure can pull the trigger to embarrass others at the drop of a hat.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. The Chirping Canary says:

    😂Thank you, Paul for making me laugh today. I’m sick in bed and have been binge-reading (is that a thing?) your blog. I think laughter truly is the best medicine and this post was where it was at (what? Let’s pretend that last sentence made sense).

    Liked by 1 person

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