A Letter To Jess

Dear Jess,

Jess! Jess! Jess! Jess! Jess Nye and the apple pie…Make some noise for the Vengaboys…They call you Dani. They call you Sid. They call you Audrey. Always the same. That’s not your name. Nope. That’s not your name. Nah uh! That’s not your name! Nyet! That’s not your…name!…(Drum interlude)…You’re simply the Jess! Better than all the rest. Better than anyone, anyone they’ve ever met…And that would mean you’re not Jessie’s girl. (Inaudible singing). No you’re not Jessie’s girl…Because it’s fun to stay at the J-E-S…

Shoot, looks like the tape recorder had had enough by the time the YMCA remix came on.

I hope you enjoyed that musical medley! 

If you didn’t, I will unfollow you on all social media platforms and let you think I did it because there was personal beef between us. You’d be correct, but would never be 100% sure of it! And that would slowly eat away at you. 

So, you live in Connecticut, huh?

I need to tell you something I just learned about myself. I hate the spelling of “Connecticut”. The third “c” shows up too soon and the second “c” isn’t pronounced at all. I find myself pronouncing it properly and then going back and saying it again so I pronounce the second “c”, just so it’s not left out. 

Connecticut. 

Connect-i-cut.

Connect-4-cut? I like this one.

The second “c” has no place. It’s the middle child of this eleven-letter word. Heck, even the last five letters spell out “cut it”, if you unscramble them. I can only assume this is a silent protest by the word itself. They’ve had enough!

Something has to be done. Emphasis on B.

Because if you add a B to Connecticut, it’s an anagram for “Cubic Content”. I’m no math major, but that smells fishy. Could be remnants from the cafeteria, though. So, look out. Sounds like sardines are the special. 

Anyways, hi Jess! Send my regards to your cat, Mumford, too! I’ll hold off on all Mumford and Sons jokes because Mumford and Puns sounds so much better. 

“Send my regards” is so formal, isn’t it? I feel like I have to tip an imaginary hat as I say it. 

For as long as we’ve known each other, talking about the ridiculous shows on TLC has been a staple of our conversations. This probably isn’t normal. There are probably 345.5 things wrong with us. TLC probably has a show for us to go on. But it’s the way it’s been and neither one of us has put a stop to it.

That being said, as you know, you want me to tell you what would happen if the TLC channel was cancelled.

I’ve thought about this quite a lot and my initial response is to ignore the topic for a little while longer. So that’s what I’m going to do. 

Jess, I’m going to let the cat out of the bag. Yes, I’m a wizard. No, it’s not Mumford. OR IS IT!?

As I was trying to say, you’re really good at art. What’s your secret? 

As someone who struggles with drawing a straight line longer than two centimetres, my artistic abilities haven’t developed yet. I’m a late bloomer. 

That’s what I told myself when I cried myself to sleep last year after a camper told me my drawing was awful and I had no future. 

Do you have any tips? How does one become good at art? How can I look at a bowl of fruit and say to myself, “Paul, you’re going to draw that bowl of fruit and then order a pizza because if fruit is art, then I shouldn’t eat it?” How do I do that?

An orange is round, but circles are hard to draw. A banana is, well, banana-shaped. And pears look like light bulbs. Wouldn’t it be funny if someone tried to screw a pear into a lamp? I think it would be.

See, I just can’t focus on art long enough to get it right. Perhaps I need a new pencil and paintbrush. 

Hmm… 

Alright, time to address your question of what would happen if the TLC channel were cancelled. 

First things first, I’d probably send you an incoherent message in all caps. 

It would read: “JESS THEY CONNECTICUTED THE YLC CHANNEL”

My follow-up message would correct my spelling mistakes and read: TLC*

So, that’s the first shoe that would drop. Then I’d weep, count sheep, and fall asleep. 

But seriously, I don’t think it would be a terrible thing if that channel was no longer around. It’s supposed to be The Learning Channel, but instead, I’m watching people freak out that they’re paying $10 for half a store of groceries.

I don’t think the world needs to know about extreme couponers. The world needs to know about people saving cats in trees! By the way, does that ever happen?

Can you put Mumford in a tree and see if anyone rescues him? For science, of course.

Spending hours and hours cutting out coupons, so you can cheat the system and buy groceries you don’t need, is not something I need to know about, as addicting as it may be to watch.

Without the TLC channel, extreme couponers will still exist but no one will know about them. Which is the way it should be. 

It’s like putting on deodorant. No one needs to know that you do it. They just know when you don’t. 

Does that analogy work? 

How’s Mumford? Anyone become a hero yet?

I just became aware of the show called, “Love At First Swipe”. They fix up people’s online dating profile, so that they find the perfect match! And fall in love! And have a family! And become Plus 8! And then become extreme couponers! And then hoarders! 

Ahh it’s all connected.

I’m going to shake my head on the count of three if you want to join me. 

1…2…ah I false started, couldn’t help myself. 

So yeah, I’d be devastated if the TLC channel were cancelled, but that would subside after a dozen bowls of banana pudding. There are enough people in front of a camera these days, we don’t need more. 

We don’t need to hear about the newest family that has 28 kids. We don’t need to hear about the next cake being made on “Cake Boss.” We don’t need to hear the doctor on “My 600 lb. Life” talk to the camera in an unenthused and disappointed voice ever again.

We can all just get on with our lives without worrying about anyone else’s!

That’s all people do anymore. Sorry, I’m getting into rant mode.

We care about people we don’t even know and obsess over their life. Whether it’s a celebrity, someone on TV, or old friends on social media.

Enough is enough, Jess!

I’m going to put my foot down on the count of three if you want to join me.

1…2…ah I just realized I’m sitting. It wouldn’t have the same dramatic effect.

So yeah, thanks for the question!

I better be going. I promised the squirrel in the backyard that I’d help him find some nuts. I think it’s cute that it always comes to me first.

But to be serious for a second, I just want to thank you for being a friend. I’m 99% sure you’re not a serial killer with a fake online presence, so I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful for the chats we’ve had and the sense of humour we share. It’s refreshing – like an ice cube. 

And just remember, “If you can’t laugh with them, it’s because they’re laughing at you. So, laugh at them for laughing at you.”

HAGS,


P-A-U-L

Postscript – I hope someone rescued Mumford!

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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21 Responses to A Letter To Jess

  1. Jess says:

    You are SO LUCKY I ended up reading this first thing in the morning and not at work because I nearly peed myself. First of all, you are right about the spelling of Connecticut because it bugs me too. I sometimes stop and make sure I’m spelling this nonsense correctly. Secondly, Mumford is so unbelievably proper that it wouldn’t weird me out if you tipped your hat and said in a British accent, “Send my regards.” I’m sure he drinks tea and eats crumpets when I’m not home. Thirdly, there is no secret to art! I’m sure my professor in college wanted to say the same thing. He would go around the room with everyone’s drawings to comment and then he’d come to mine and say, “….this….is…a good start…moving on!” That was basically my college career. Fourth (ly? I never usually make it this far with the ly’s), I NEED TO WATCH OTHER PEOPLE IN PAIN, PAUL. I’m human. So while I’m balls deep in mac n cheese while watching My 600 lb. Life, and buried in books on my bed while watching Hoarders, I can feel a little bit of a bounce in my step. But make no mistake, I actually do cry at the end of these episodes which shows I have some form of sympathy. FIFTHLY, my friend had a cupcake from the guy who does “Cake Boss”. She said it was disgusting. PRETTY THOUGH. Sixthly (I still feel like this is wrong but I’m going to go with it), I will never put Mumford in a tree! He would never look at me again. He’d purposely walk on my furniture with poopy paw prints out of revenge.

    Seventh-LY, I may not be a serial killer, but I’ve dabbled in crime here and there….
    You’re a pretty fabulous friend Paul and I’m glad our strange references and interests have brought us together. Here’s to punching all those social media buttheads in the groin!

    HAGS TO YOU TOO,

    Jess the Ripper

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      I’m lucky you didn’t pee yourself at work? No, I think you’re lucky! There’s something that just sounds right about Mumford, tips of the hat and a British accent. This reminds me that I forgot to make a whole Mums the ford pun. Oh well. My grade 9 art teacher said the same too! “It’s a good start!” Probably because I barely had anything on the paper in front of me. Haha something tells me you enjoy watching those YouTube video of people falling and getting hurt. (So do I) Hey what if Mumford wants to be in a tree? Could be his lifelong dream! And eighthly, I had a teacher who made us use “transition words” on tests to make it clear when we were making a new point. I went from firstly to fifthly on a regular basis. It was ridiculous but it was for school, so…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jess says:

        I WOULD HAVE BLAMED YOU. And then sent Mumford to Toronto to deal with you. Don’t be fooled by his cuteness. And I can tell you right now, Mumford would hate being in a tree. He hates to get dirty.

        I actually do enjoy those videos when I see them. Chuckling at people is a lot of fun. So is people watching. It’s the best kind of entertainment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I was just attacked by a fly. I’m assuming this was your doing. People watching is entertaining, especially when sitting in a waiting room!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Jess says:

        You’re darn right that was my doing. That’s only a glimpse of the damage I can do.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Issa says:

    Hahaha she says she is not a serial killer and then signs off as Jess the Ripper. 😉😉😉😉😉 you are dead Paul

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Barb Knowles says:

    Your Connecticut jokes are hysterical. Do you think it was ever pronounced the way it’s spelled? But whoa,whoa,whoa….Canadians spell meter, metre? Do you say “met-ra”?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Little Rants says:

    Dead. Vengaboys!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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