A Letter To Bridget (Meghan’s Dog)

Woof Bridget,

Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl? Bridget, who’s a good girl? Yes you are. Yes you are! Good girl!

You probably get that a lot, don’t you? I imagine it can get pretty annoying hearing the same question asked of you in the same cute-but-not-cute voice. I know I’d get tired of it.

Hi Bridget! The D-O-single G! That’s your introduction if you ever become a rapper, by the way. Snoop Dogg is the D-O-double G. So yeah. You’re welcome.

I write to you today in order to help bridge-t the gap between myself and the dog community. Mama Meghan has given me permission; I don’t know if the dog community will be too happy about it, but too bad!

Do you call her Mama Meghan or am I just grasping at the alliteration straws?

People ask me, “Dogs or cats?” and I always say “Dogs”, but deep down I want to say neither. But I feel like there are too many things about me that people already question, like the fact that I’ve never had chocolate milk. So I say “Dogs” just to avoid going through another battle.

I like looking at dogs. It’s the interaction that I can do without. I don’t know what to do. Where do I put my hands? Is it rude to wipe my face after they lick it?

When I was a little boy in a snowsuit, a dog ran up behind me as I was entering my house and wanted to take a bite out of my vanilla cupcakes, if you know what I mean. If not for the herculean effort of my mom, who picked me up and hurled me in the house, I would have been a pile of crumbs inside a dirty mouth.

Years later, a three-legged dog chased me.

Years after that, a dog sneezed on me.

And just last year, I was told a dog liked me. I guess it was giving me the puppy dog eyes, or something, and it wanted to sit on my lap. I panicked and pushed it off.

Bridget, girl, it’s been a ruff relationship between myself and the dog community. And I can’t help but feel like they’re out to get me.

Can you comment on this matter? Have there been internal meetings at the Fido Bureau of Investigation?

I’m on a hit list, aren’t I?

If you can’t speak on the matter, I understand. Just wag your tail and I’ll know. I just want to say I’m sorry to you and your community for being a hazard to your happiness.

That being said, I have some rapid fire questions for you. Is that okay? Do you need a washroom break first?

Ah, let’s start there.

Do dogs get self-conscious when they’re doing their business in front of other dogs? Is there some sort of etiquette? Like a “one leg goes up, all eyes go sideways” rule?

Air Bud or Lassie?

Snoopy or Scooby?

Do you have posters in your room of famous dogs you have a crush on? And if so, does it feel weird having pictures of naked dogs on your walls? What does Meghan think of this?

Have you ever had a Scooby Snack? Or is that a euphemism that humans haven’t picked up on yet?

Do you think humans are dumb when we ask you, “Where’s the ball?” when we all know it’s behind our back?

Do dogs really like playing fetch, or do they just think humans are stupid? Be honest.

Needless to say, dogs fascinate me.

So, Bridget, what do you do for a living? I know one dog who is a valet parker. In fact, I’ll be writing him a letter in a week or two. Do you have an exciting job like that? Let me guess, you’re a financial planner! No wait, nanny! No, I got it. You’re a secretary at a car dealership! Nailed it. Dogs like their cars, don’t they?

And don’t worry, you’ll move up from that job and become a car salesdog before you know it!

You also probably sell paw-made items on Pawtsy. Don’t you? Don’t you!? I feel like you do. I’m embarrassed I know so much.

That’s great. I’m sure Meghan is very proud of you.

By the way, I have sent you a few toys. One of them is a kazoo. Whenever a human comes to the front door, I don’t want you to bark. I want you to play the kazoo. That way, when the door opens, they see a dog playing the kazoo. Trust me, this can kickstart a comedy career!

The next toy I have sent you is a water gun. They’re fun. Just don’t fill it with toilet water, unless…

I have also sent you a new set of sneakers. They light up when you walk. These shoes were a hit back in the 90s and then kids dogs got lazy and started wearing shoes that had wheels underneath them. I felt like saying, “You’re not a skateboard, you’re a kid dog.”

The fourth item I have sent you is the Scooby-Doo box set! It has all episodes of Scooby-Doo dating back to 1969! How cool is that? And it’s not even your birthday!

The fifth and final item will be arriving in a few days. It’s a bean bag chair! I know, so cool! You can put a nice dent in it while you binge watch Scooby-Doo.

I’m excited for all the fun you’re about to have! And with that, I must go. My leg is cramping up which means I’m hungry.

I feel like this went well. Or did you doze off? Ruh-roh! Meghan will tell me if you did.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy your new toys. Maybe even brag on social media sites like Pupbook and Litter, or upload pictures to Instabone. Wait, that last one doesn’t sound right. I hope I got it right!

I leave you with this.

Who’s a good Paul? Who’s a good Paul? Bridget, who’s a good Paul? That’s right, I am. I’m a good Paul. And don’t you, or your friends, forget it!

Licks and leg kicks,

Good Paul

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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47 Responses to A Letter To Bridget (Meghan’s Dog)

  1. Jess says:

    Good God, Paul. You’ve never had chocolate milk. This is becoming a ridiculously long list of things you’ve never tried/seen. Have you ever coughed?? Do you know what sunlight looks like? Have you been living in the caves of Madagascar, away from civilization? I’d like to speak to your mother….

    Also, I nearly died of laughter at the vanilla cupcakes.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Pingback: I’m Terrible At Creating Blog Titles. – Ordinary Travels

  3. Paul, are you from the part of Canada that’s just ice, wilderness and hockey? Were you raised in a strict religious environment by candlelight? Are you an only child or one of 12? How have you graduated from college and never experienced so many things? Were you in a bunker?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I’m from around Toronto, so no. No strict religious environment. No candlelight. Not an only child. Not 12 of us. Lol define “experience so many things”. When it comes to food, I eat what I like and don’t really have a desire to have certain things because they just don’t appeal to me. Hope this clears things up haha

      Liked by 1 person

  4. heymeghan91 says:

    Bridget has responses to all of your questions. Sadly, I won’t see her next week to ask for her responses. Don’t worry. There will be answers!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: A Letter To Bridget (Meghan’s Dog) — The Captain’s Speech « Hey Meghan...

  6. rebecak says:

    #mindblown #icanteven #brain #pieces #errrryyyywhere
    Are you even sorry? Or are you about to give me a #sorrynotsorry?? NO CHOCOLATE MILK?? I thought you couldn’t be trusted before but I was wrong… If you are ever in the vicinity, you won’t find me because I’ll be hiding. Very well hidden, like a good little Beca. Bridget… I implore you… BITE. HIM.

    P.S. Bridget, he hates dogs! Get him girrrrlll!! Gooooood girrrrlll!! I have yummy bacon taco treats for the good doggy!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Lol sorry about what? (I’m not liking this comment as a sign of protest).

      Like

      • rebecak says:

        Am I supposed to not like yours either? Am I protesting too? My mind is so lost by all this craziness that I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore!

        Mom? Are you there? Can you bring me some chocolatey milk?

        I think I need to go snapchat filter myself into a puppy to make myself feel better. I love puppies. So cute and snuggly and cute and slobbery and snuggly and cute.

        I’m going to hold myself now. Good night.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        LOL I said I like looking at dogs! At least give me half credit. There was never chocolate milk in my house growing up and I never had the urge to try/ask for it. I’m normal, I promise!

        Liked by 1 person

      • rebecak says:

        There’s no half credit in life :/

        No chocolate milk in your home?? Was there milk? And chocolate syrup? Or chocolate powder? Because you just combine them… It’s that simple.

        I need to speak to your mom. Mother to mother. This needs to be discussed.

        Normal?? I’m not sure anymore. Serial killers probably say the same thing… People that have been abducted by aliens probably say that too even though they all of sudden have a wonky eye and a laser gun for an arm.

        I’m not buying the whole “I’m normal” stuff. Nope, not buying it at all… You can’t fool me.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I drink milk all the time! Chocolate syrup is gross 🙂 My mom is the best! She just kept our junk food to the minimum outside of chips, cookies, cakes, cupcakes, and probably some other good stuff I’m forgetting. I’ve only been abducted by aliens twice, you?

        Liked by 1 person

      • rebecak says:

        About 6 times, no biggie… If we ever meet, just don’t look into my left eye and you’ll be alright 🙂

        I actually hate milk. Unless it has chocolate in it. Because I am the normal one in this conversation.

        Thank god you at least had cookies, cake, and cupcakes. I’m still worried for your soul though. Very very worried. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I don’t think I want to meet any bloggers in person anymore. You’ll all do terrible things to me. I happen to love milk, by the way.

        Liked by 1 person

      • rebecak says:

        Yikes. That escalated quickly…

        FYI- I don’t like being licked by dogs. I’m an imposter!! Muahahahahahahaha!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Well this just took a twist I wasn’t expecting haha

        Liked by 1 person

      • rebecak says:

        Story of my life 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  7. ~M says:

    All I can say is…. you had me laughing from the start. Love these letters Paul… So funny! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Angela says:

    I’ve never had chocolate milk either, I’d probably like it if I did!
    I have the same strained relationship with the dog community, I was allergic when I was younger so avoided them and now it’s just awkward when we come in contact with each other! I’m not a cat person either…I’m not an animal lover at all to be honest and I grew up on a farm with loads of them!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Finally someone who can relate to me! You just became my new favourite blogger. I’m not much of an animal person either. I’ll admire and appreciate them from afar but not too wild about getting close with them.

      Like

  9. rebecak says:

    I do second the desire for a chimpanzee, I’ve always wanted one as well. As of late, I find myself really really wanting a pet otter though. Who needs eyes anyways she say as her eyes are being clawed by the cute little otter paws

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Little Rants says:

    I’m dead. ‘Does it feel weird having pictures of naked dogs on your wall?’ BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Side note – do NOT read Paul’s posts while sitting alone in the park. People will think you’re stark raving nuts.

    Liked by 1 person

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