Who’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl? Bridget, who’s a good girl? Yes you are. Yes you are! Good girl!
You probably get that a lot, don’t you? I imagine it can get pretty annoying hearing the same question asked of you in the same cute-but-not-cute voice. I know I’d get tired of it.
Hi Bridget! The D-O-single G! That’s your introduction if you ever become a rapper, by the way. Snoop Dogg is the D-O-double G. So yeah. You’re welcome.
I write to you today in order to help bridge-t the gap between myself and the dog community. Mama Meghan has given me permission; I don’t know if the dog community will be too happy about it, but too bad!
Do you call her Mama Meghan or am I just grasping at the alliteration straws?
People ask me, “Dogs or cats?” and I always say “Dogs”, but deep down I want to say neither. But I feel like there are too many things about me that people already question, like the fact that I’ve never had chocolate milk. So I say “Dogs” just to avoid going through another battle.
I like looking at dogs. It’s the interaction that I can do without. I don’t know what to do. Where do I put my hands? Is it rude to wipe my face after they lick it?
When I was a little boy in a snowsuit, a dog ran up behind me as I was entering my house and wanted to take a bite out of my vanilla cupcakes, if you know what I mean. If not for the herculean effort of my mom, who picked me up and hurled me in the house, I would have been a pile of crumbs inside a dirty mouth.
Years later, a three-legged dog chased me.
Years after that, a dog sneezed on me.
And just last year, I was told a dog liked me. I guess it was giving me the puppy dog eyes, or something, and it wanted to sit on my lap. I panicked and pushed it off.
Bridget, girl, it’s been a ruff relationship between myself and the dog community. And I can’t help but feel like they’re out to get me.
Can you comment on this matter? Have there been internal meetings at the Fido Bureau of Investigation?
I’m on a hit list, aren’t I?
If you can’t speak on the matter, I understand. Just wag your tail and I’ll know. I just want to say I’m sorry to you and your community for being a hazard to your happiness.
That being said, I have some rapid fire questions for you. Is that okay? Do you need a washroom break first?
Ah, let’s start there.
Do dogs get self-conscious when they’re doing their business in front of other dogs? Is there some sort of etiquette? Like a “one leg goes up, all eyes go sideways” rule?
Air Bud or Lassie?
Snoopy or Scooby?
Do you have posters in your room of famous dogs you have a crush on? And if so, does it feel weird having pictures of naked dogs on your walls? What does Meghan think of this?
Have you ever had a Scooby Snack? Or is that a euphemism that humans haven’t picked up on yet?
Do you think humans are dumb when we ask you, “Where’s the ball?” when we all know it’s behind our back?
Do dogs really like playing fetch, or do they just think humans are stupid? Be honest.
Needless to say, dogs fascinate me.
So, Bridget, what do you do for a living? I know one dog who is a valet parker. In fact, I’ll be writing him a letter in a week or two. Do you have an exciting job like that? Let me guess, you’re a financial planner! No wait, nanny! No, I got it. You’re a secretary at a car dealership! Nailed it. Dogs like their cars, don’t they?
And don’t worry, you’ll move up from that job and become a car salesdog before you know it!
You also probably sell paw-made items on Pawtsy. Don’t you? Don’t you!? I feel like you do. I’m embarrassed I know so much.
That’s great. I’m sure Meghan is very proud of you.
By the way, I have sent you a few toys. One of them is a kazoo. Whenever a human comes to the front door, I don’t want you to bark. I want you to play the kazoo. That way, when the door opens, they see a dog playing the kazoo. Trust me, this can kickstart a comedy career!
The next toy I have sent you is a water gun. They’re fun. Just don’t fill it with toilet water, unless…
I have also sent you a new set of sneakers. They light up when you walk. These shoes were a hit back in the 90s and then
kids dogs got lazy and started wearing shoes that had wheels underneath them. I felt like saying, “You’re not a skateboard, you’re a kid dog.”
The fourth item I have sent you is the Scooby-Doo box set! It has all episodes of Scooby-Doo dating back to 1969! How cool is that? And it’s not even your birthday!
The fifth and final item will be arriving in a few days. It’s a bean bag chair! I know, so cool! You can put a nice dent in it while you binge watch Scooby-Doo.
I’m excited for all the fun you’re about to have! And with that, I must go. My leg is cramping up which means I’m hungry.
I feel like this went well. Or did you doze off? Ruh-roh! Meghan will tell me if you did.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy your new toys. Maybe even brag on social media sites like Pupbook and Litter, or upload pictures to Instabone. Wait, that last one doesn’t sound right. I hope I got it right!
I leave you with this.
Who’s a good Paul? Who’s a good Paul? Bridget, who’s a good Paul? That’s right, I am. I’m a good Paul. And don’t you, or your friends, forget it!
Licks and leg kicks,