Every bone in my body is telling me not to waste my time writing about what I’m about to write about, except my funny bone. My funny bone is the only thing telling me to “Lead on Macduff!” So, let’s all hold hands and get through this together.
One of the tags I’m using for this post is “pointless”.
The other day, Kim Kardashian-West posted a video on Snapchat of a phone call between Kanye West and Taylor Swift, in which, Ms. Swift gave Mr. West her blessing to write about her in a song.
That was the hardest sentence I’ve ever had to write. By the way, I referred to Mr. West as, Mr. West, because I’m a professional.
Apparently this made Ms. Swift a liar and further proved that she likes to play the victim.
That was the second hardest sentence I’ve ever had to write.
Personally, I don’t care about any of these people. Do they care about me? No.
If you break this thing down, you can essentially call Mrs. Kardashian-West a bully. I will bet you a bowl of lemons that Ms. Swift didn’t show up at school today. Why? She’s too embarrassed that everyone will laugh at her and she’ll be stuck on the playground by herself, wiping away her tears by a tree that will be a metaphor in her next hit song.
But because these people are “celebrities”, it’s not bullying. It’s called being “savage”. It’s called “slaying”. It’s called “QUEEN”. Or at least that’s what the kids on Twitter reply to every tweet with.
People need to get their own material. Enough of this word-copying nonsense. Would it kill you to tweet out “Hoodwinked” from time to time?
Am I a fan of Ms. Swift? I’m not. Then again, I’m not her target audience. Sure, some of her songs are catchy, but I can only hear the words “shake it off” so many times before I start wondering if the crumbs on her shirt are completely off of her.
That’s what she’s shaking off, right? Crumbs?
I just don’t understand her. I always think back to an appearance she made on Jimmy Kimmel Live a few years ago. She tried to be so kind and genuine, as if she was having a conversation with a friend at a coffee shop and she was so eager to reply to something her friend said, that her eyes widened while she was sipping her coffee.
You know the look.
But it came off as incredibly forced and fake. It felt like every drama skit in elementary school, where everyone was putting too much stress on every word in an attempt to sound like a Hollywood actor. The people who thought they were Brad Pitt, were actually the pits.
Now, I understand that celebrities are pulling our arms, legs, ears, and nose hairs (too far?) every time they go on a talk show, but this was over the top.
It’s been seven years since Mr. West interrupted Ms. Swift’s acceptance speech at an awards show. Seven years. I was one week into my first year in university. I went to sleep at 11pm back then.
In simpler terms, that was a long time ago. Is she still mad about it? Build a bouncy castle and get over it, already.
See what I did there? That’s called creating your own material, kids.
Is she good at writing lyrics? I guess so. That’s what people say. Are they all about breaking up with a guy? I guess so. That’s what people say.
I should have a blog post where I analyze Taylor Swift song lyrics.
She can have twenty-nine boyfriends within the span of four months for all I care. It’s her life.
However, I can do without all these staged photos of her and her latest future former boyfriend that appear on my social media feeds. What is the point of this? And who is she trying to fool?
Better question: Why is she always turning around just in time for a photo to be taken?
Methinks that Ms. Swift craves attention, but you’d have to ask her that.
Back to this whole video on Snapchat thing, though. The joke is going to be on us because now Ms. Swift has a whole albums worth of content.
She’s probably planning out her next album right now. It’ll probably be called, “Taylor Made” and feature subtle songs directed towards the Kardashian-West royal family.
Such songs on the album may include: “Made in Taymerica”; “Nose Pointed North”; South West Air Lies; and “I Dislike Everyone in the Kardashian-West Family”.
You know, subtle song titles.
And we’ll have to listen to these songs over and over and over again because we are a society that can’t seem to say “No” to anything.
If we gave no attention to celebrities, they wouldn’t be celebrities. Think about that. They only get rich and famous because the people that aren’t rich and famous give them their money and attention.
Give me money and attention and I, too, would be rich, famous, and in a primetime slot for my reality show called “Pizza-ing Up With Paul”. BOOK IT.
I’m getting a headache over this. Mainly because I don’t care at all. Darn you, funny bone, for talking me into this.
One last thing.
When Kanye West runs for president in 2020 and is elected, will he and his wife record phone calls they receive from other presidents? I hope that’s a debate question.
I also hope we get West vs. Trump in a debate, just so we know for sure that the end of the world is right around the corner and we can prepare by doing important things like returning overdue library books, and washing away the sidewalk chalk.
Remember sidewalk chalk?
In all seriousness, the world is a mess.
Alright, I’m done. I can’t believe I got through this. Thanks for sticking with me.
Speaking of sticking, we can all let go of each other’s hands now.
Feel free to leave a comment below telling me your thoughts on anything in this post, as well as anything not in this post.
Also, feel free to tell me what you’re eating for dinner tonight. I might invite myself over.