The other day, there were two squirrels (squirrli?) in my backyard. Both of them were, seemingly, minding their own business. And then one squirrel started chasing the other. It looked like something straight out of a Cops episode.
I know why people chase other people, but why do squirrels chase other squirrels?
Fortunately for me, and all of you, I’ve got my hands on some exclusive audio of the verbal exchange that took place right before these two squirrels (squirrli?) ran around the backyard like a couple of jackrabbits.
Yes, I’ve suggested on two occasions now that “squirrli” can be the plural of squirrel. Deal with it.
To make it easier to understand who is talking, I’ve given each squirrel a name.
Squirrel #1 will be Chucky.
Squirrel #2 will be Cheeky.
Because what else would I name a couple of squirrels? Fabricio? Ralph?
Okay, here we go. Exclusive audio of the two squirrels in my backyard. My idiotic and entertaining comments will be in italics, because I just can’t help myself.
In the backyard…
Chucky: Yo Cheeky, how you doin’?
Cheeky: Oh, hey Chuck. Uh, good.
Chucky: What are you doing here, anyway?
Cheeky: Just sightseeing.
Chucky: In a backyard?
Cheeky: What? You’ve never seen a squirrel stop in the middle of a backyard and stare before?
Chucky: Good point.
Man, these two are about as interesting as a napkin.
Cheeky: So many weeds in this backyard…
Chucky: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Cheeky: There are so many weeds in this backyard. Here a weed, there a weed, everywhere a weed.
Cheeky’s claims are unfounded!
Chucky: Weed? Just wait until I tell your parents about this!
Cheeky: What? No. I’m talking about the grass!
Chucky: Oh, is that what they call it these days.
Cheeky: You’re so dumb.
Chucky: No you are!
Cheeky: False! I take my macademics seriously!
Macademics is academics…a.k.a school work, but with a macadamia nut based curriculum. Don’t ask. I’m just the translator.
Cheeky: Why are you here?
Chucky: Me and some of the gang were going to get together and play balance beam.
Cheeky: Ohh, balance beam. The classic squirrel game whereby each squirrel runs across the top of a fence and whomever gets to the other side in the quickest time wins!
Chucky: What are you, a game show host?
Cheeky: Some human is staring at us through the window, I thought he’d like to know.
Chucky: HE CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU! Macademics, huh?
He’s right, I couldn’t. I thought they were talking about another classic squirrel game – Where’s The Nut?
Cheeky: Shut, up Chuck!
Chucky: I’m not puking!
Cheeky: Ah, stupid comma placement. Shut up, Chuck! Wait, how do you know about comma placement.
Cheeky getting sassy now.
Chucky: I don’t. All I heard was “up chuck”.
Cheeky: Haha “up chuck”! That’s what I’m going to call you now! Because you smell like vomit!
Chucky: Fine. I’ll just call you Buttcheeky because you smell like…
Cheeky: TAKE IT BACK. TAKE IT BACK NOW.
Cheeky has clearly been called Buttcheeky before. He just took this from zero to one hundred faster than an expensive dinner.
Chucky: Buttcheeky! Buttcheeky! Buttcheeky! You smell like Buttcheeky!
Cheeky is breathing heavily, or that’s the dog next door watching in suspense. I can’t tell.
Cheeky: Stoooooop it. I’m telling!
Chucky: Telling who? The guy in the window?
Cheeky: Nah, he looks like the kind of guy who would run away from squirrels.
HOW DID HE KNOW THAT ABOUT ME?
Chucky: Buuuutttttcheeeeeeekyyyyyy! Ohhhh Buuuuuuttttttcheeeeeeekyyyyyy!
Cheeky: That’s it. You’re toast. French toast.
Chucky: Gotta catch me first!
The chase begins.
I wish the Cops theme song was playing in the background…Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do…
Cheeky chased Chucky in a circle, then a figure eight, and then in the shape of the Batman symbol.
And then Cirque du Soleil showed up, had them sign a waiver, and strapped on some harnesses so they could chase each other while swinging through the air.
Chucky made his break for the fence. He went under. Cheeky doesn’t like going under fences ever since he caught his tail back in ’09.
I bet he has the scar to prove it and plays it off like it’s nothing, but secretly enjoys the attention from all the guirrels.
Guirrels = Female Squirrels
Buirrels = Male Squirrels
Squirrel = Male or Female Squirrel
Chucky knew this about the tail, which is why he went under the fence. But Cheeky wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting away.
Cheeky held his breath and went under the fence. He made it and continued to chase Chucky. And then Cheeky stopped. He had forgotten to stop holding his breath and was now too tired to continue the chase.
Note: Put a table of refreshments in the backyard, like they have at marathons, just in case squirrels (SQUIRRLI?) need to rehydrate.
Chucky: See ya later, Buttcheeky!!
And that is where the audio ends.
Wow. What a verbal exchange, right!?
I feel bad for Cheeky, especially because it looked like he had on a new pair of cross trainers. Looks like they failed him as much as his breathing technique!
Chucky was a jerk, but he was fast. Ain’t that always how it is?
I’m just glad I got my hands on this exclusive audio, so I could find out why things got so squirrely in my backyard.
Now I know!
The comment section is a nut free zone. All are welcome.