Toss and turn
first I toss and then I turn
is it your ashes that my heart doth yearn?
Shining through my window
has the Phoenix come to call me home?
Do you dare to tell me that time has a soul?
taking and taking without doing what it’s told
I told death’s hands to keep their distance
so they reached for you instead
tucking me in at night with the reminder that you’re dead.
I surrender to the sun in the morning
waking up to take attendance
must be a habit of the subconscious
but I’ve never had anything to fear
the names on my list are all still here.
I failed you, I condemn myself
my worth got up and went to hell
clinging to the condolences,
I cannot take a breath
clinging to the sympathy,
the culprit being death
I failed you
an understatement at its best.
Faces fade in before they fade out
will I ever know what you’re all about?
I don’t want our syllables to linger in the air
where we used to stand
for it would be a shame to say so much
and never know enough.
The walking is now ash
death has done what he can’t take back
is he as sorry as I am?
Is he holding out his hands?
My heart has conformed to fit the shape of the urn
I never foresaw the day that yourself you would burn.
If I see you tomorrow
will you take that time to stare right through me?
Maybe exchange some words
that will make me feel less guilty
because all I ask is to listen
for as long as I can hear your voice.
Look into our hearts
find the names that make them beat
one by one they keep us alive
until one by one they become deceased
and though mine are all accounted for
mine is already sore.
This poem is the final product of a month-long collaboration between myself and Reagan from Sinister Paranoia. Huge thank you to her for writing this with me.