1. The new dance known as “the dab” is all the rage these days. However, it’s not new at all. We’ve just always referred to it as “sneezing into your sleeve”. The youth of today have no manners, I guess.
2. I thought I would be able to type out this blog post while listening to Season 2, Episode 7 of Serial. I was wrong. Sorry, Sarah Koenig. I’ll be back later.
3. The presidential election in the United States is hilarious. Almost every candidate reminds me of gum under my shoe.
4. Waffles for dinner is completely acceptable.
5. Murder, She Wrote needs to make a comeback! Jessica Fletcher was the best. All she wanted to do was write novels with her typewriter, but no! There’s been yet another murder in Cabot Cove and Amos Tupper can’t figure out who did it! I loved that show too much.
6. Bachelor Ben is going to pick Lauren. It’s been obvious since the second episode. Jojo is going to be shocked it’s not her. Then she will cry in a limo, while talking to a cameraman. She also won’t be wearing a seatbelt.
7. Sometimes, I wonder what the remaining presidential candidates were like in elementary school. So, I made a list, which will be revealed throughout this post. I won’t give names, though; I’ll let you guess.
8. Chris Harrison is the only person still on The Bachelor who hasn’t told someone he loves them. Actually, no one has told him they love him, either. Poor guy. Maybe next week.
9. If the name of your drink is more than two words long, I’m judging you.
10. One presidential candidate was the bully who took the pencil out of your hand and threw it in the garbage.
11. My friend (Bonjour!) and I get a kick out of hockey player interviews. No interview is complete unless they add a few deep sniffles between their cliche phrases. Watch for it. Oh, and they try to spit out as many words as possible while only taking one breath. Watch for that, too.
12. I want to know how the “Tickle Me Elmo” idea was pitched.
13. So many people took to social media to say “Happy Leap Day” on February 29th and “Happy March” on March 1st. Why do I feel like March 2nd is going to be the forgotten stepchild and receive no recognition?
14. One presidential candidate was the tattle tale who always said “na na na boo boo” during tag at recess. They would also cry when they dropped their sandwich on the floor at lunch.
15. Ever wonder how clean your toothbrush actually is? What if a bug crawled on it when you weren’t watching? I hope I just made all of you paranoid.
16. Why are kids so afraid of monsters under their bed? There is hardly any space under there. The monsters would probably be the same size as the kid. Fair fight, if you ask me.
17. Quinoa chocolate chip cookies taste like dirt. I don’t care who’s offended by me saying that.
18. One presidential candidate was the kid who brought a basketball/football/soccer ball to play with at recess and got mad when other kids touched it. The phrase, “That’s my ball from home!” is a staple of their lexicon.
19. Go read the book: The Postman Always Rings Twice, by James Cain.
20. Hostess CupCakes just ain’t what they used to be. They were my “go-to” snack, until they changed their flavour about ten years ago.
21. One presidential candidate was the quiet kid who was encouraged to come out of their shell and participate in class more often. They were also a daydreamer.
22. I’m still holding out hope that they bring back MSN Messenger. I haven’t sent a nudge in about three years and it’s starting to bother me.
23. There should be a way to funnel the smell of warm pizza through the vents whenever the furnace comes on. Who would say no to that?
24. Only a few weeks left until people proclaim that “Spring has sprung!” as if we can’t come to that conclusion on our own.
25. This is my caramel frappuccino macchiato al dente cinnamon twist sparkling lemon zest crunch grande cheese drink!
26. One presidential candidate was the kid who caught insects in an empty water bottle at recess and would put their face two inches away from the bottle to look at the insects inside.
27. I can really go for a custard cannoli right now.
28. Ou est la bibliothèque?
29. Do kids play scrabble anymore?
30. Two presidential candidates were the valedictorians who thought they were telling a joke, but really, they were just raising their voices and putting more emphasis on their syllables.
31. Family Matters had one of the best television theme songs ever. They should bring that show back.
32. What does Lady Gaga’s personal friends call her? Lady?
33. David Blaine hasn’t done anything lately, has he?
34. “Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite”. As if we let them. The phrase should really be: “Sleep tight, here’s a fly swatter.”
35. Someone recently explained to me what the new rewards system at Starbucks is. I spent two minutes trying to care, and will spend the rest of my life wondering why other people do.
36. You know you’re an adult when it’s been a really long time since someone told you to try and lick your own elbow.
37. Rulers are so full of themselves, aren’t they? Just so we’re clear, I’m talking about the school supply.
38. Super Tuesday is short for Super Size Me Tuesday, but people complained it was too big. Sorry, McDonald’s.
39. Can we put all the people who post nasty comments on YouTube in a room with hidden cameras, not tell them why they’re there, and just watch them mingle? I think it would be fascinating.
40. Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Fallon. James Corden. John Oliver. Stephen Colbert. Seth Meyers. Samantha Bee. Apparently, if you want to host a late night show, having a first name that starts with a “J” or “S” drastically increases your odds. Maybe I should change my name to Jaul or Saul.
41. It’s been a week and a half and I’m still marking out over Shane McMahon’s return on Monday Night Raw.
42. Can I have $1 Billion, Mark Zuckerberg? I’ll settle for $100 million, if your finances are tight.
43. Harlem Shake.
44. Instead of a ladder, bunk beds should have a pull-out trampoline that you can jump on in order to reach the top bunk.
45. Brownies with chocolate chips inside.
46. Out of everything we learned in school, snack time was probably the most important. It taught us to always find time to shove food in our mouth. I’m forever grateful.
47. Think you have it bad? Go listen to Skinny Love by Bon Iver.
48. I want a bouncy castle at my 100th birthday party. Whoever encourages me to jump on it will be written out of my will, immediately.
49. Dora the explorer seems a bit young to go backpacking. I thought you had to graduate from college first.
50. Happy March 2nd. The best number of the month. I’m biased.