Nothing, Just Watching TV

Are we passed the stage where saying, “I don’t even watch TV anymore” comes across as cool and rebellious? Or, are we still there? I feel like we’re still there. And that’s not good, kids. It’s annoying.

I haven’t been to a movie theatre since 2012 and you don’t see me bragging about it. Until now.

I haven’t been to a movie theatre since 2012. I went with a few friends from school to see the first Hunger Games movie. It was a film about a month-long food fight that started in a high school cafeteria and ended at a mall food court. A lot of ketchup was shed during the battle.

Good film. I heard the sequel picked up right where the first one left off and transitioned into a food fight at a McDonald’s drive-thru. Spoiler alert.

I find that I don’t really remember what movies are about. I’ll remember some things, but if I didn’t take notes and you quiz me on a movie I saw a month ago, I’m doomed. And why would I take notes, anyway?

Also, when they hand out the award for “Best Picture”, I just imagine a bunch of highbrow individuals at a table sipping tea with their pinkies out. “Best Picture” just sounds so pretentious. IT’S A MOVIE. Call it a “film” if you want to get fancy. A “picture” hangs on a wall.

But, back to television.

If you say you don’t watch TV anymore, the next sentence out of your mouth better not be “I watch shows on Netflix/YouTube/(somewhere else) on the Internet.” Because if you say that, then you are admitting that yes, you still watch TV.

It’s like saying you don’t shower anymore, but still take baths. It’s the same thing. I think.

Speaking of baths, I soak in multiple television shows on a weekly basis.

Great transition, I know.

This is the part where you probably expect me to list the television shows that I watch to see if any match up with the one’s you watch. Nope, not this time.

Ever since I took a Media Studies course in Grade 11, I’ve watched television differently.

I now tilt my head at a 35 degree angle and close one eye, alternating eyes every five minutes.

I’m a bit more skeptical of everything I see. Especially if a news anchor is staring at me while reading a teleprompter.

Do they really care about the story they’re telling, or are they just really good at pretending, with all of their expressions, head tilts, and concerned stares?

I’ve sat in the audience of a live show before where, on-camera, the host seemed like everyone’s best friend, but off-camera, they were a nightmare.

I’ll never forget that. So, every time I watch TV and see an anchor reading off a teleprompter, I’m looking for sincerity. Can I take them seriously, or are they just putting on an act? Maybe a bit of both.

Every show I watch, I look for editing errors. I can’t help myself.

In one camera angle, Person A is scratching the back of their head. Half a second later, from a different camera angle, Person A has both of their hands on their lap. CAUGHT.

Hey, I know editing is hard. I know there will inevitably be errors. I just like looking for them.

And now I’m going to tell you my biggest television show pet peeve.

Okay, I need to set this up a bit.

When you have a cup of coffee and you place it on a table, there is a certain sound to it. A heavy sound. When you have an empty cup and you place it on a table, there is a different sound to it. An empty sound. I don’t know if I can explain it better than that. Try it at home.

In television shows, I’m well aware that if a character has a coffee cup, it’s probably empty. What bothers me is they don’t even act as if it’s full! The way they handle them is so carefree, especially when removing them from a drink holder that carries four at a time.

In real life, people are careful not to spill. Not in TV shows.

They take a fake sip, and then it happens. They put the empty cup on a table and it makes a clink. The type of clink that tells me it is an empty cup. A prop! That is my pet peeve.

I know, it’s dumb. It bothers me every single time, though. It just feels very high-school-drama-department to me.

I know it’s a prop. I know it’s an empty cup. But everyone on television needs to do a better job of making the cups seem real. It happens in many shows and I squirm on the couch every time.

MAKE YOUR COFFEE CUPS SOUND FULL.

Alright, you all think I’m weird, so let me transition into something else.

In the USA, you have the PVR, which records television shows. In Canada, we have the DVR, which does the same thing. The only difference is the size of the loop on the first letter. We extend ours into a “D”; you cut yours short and make a “P”.

Without a PVR, I don’t know what I would do. Actually, I do. I would have to watch shows live, as they happened. The only shows I watch live are sports, so those take precedence.

Sports are spoiled on the internet by a simple picture. TV shows require words in order to be spoiled (most of the time).

Therefore, I’ll record shows and watch them after a game has ended.

The fast-forward button has become my best friend. I can’t stand commercials. Sitting through them is the worst.

On a scale from 1 – millennial, I sound like a full-blown millennial right now.

Have you ever seen those commercials that zoom in on people’s feet and all the fungus growing on them? I have. Right after dinner, too.

WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT? I want names.

Really? If you’re going to do that, make sure the next commercial is for 1) carpets; or 2) stain remover. Because chances are the foot commercial just made me puke on the carpet.

I don’t know how to transition out of vomit covered carpets, so I’m just going to start talking about the show Extreme Couponing. (Hey, Jess!)

Have you seen this show? I don’t really want to describe it, but I will.

People get a bunch of coupons, go to the grocery store, buy $600+ worth of items, use their coupons, and exit the store after paying less than $15.

Where do they get the coupons? Everywhere. One family went dumpster diving on a weekend. Fun!

What do they buy? Everything. Thirty of everything.

One person bought diapers and baby food. They didn’t have a baby and they weren’t expecting, either. But hey, they got it at a good price. So, I guess it’s fine.

Maybe I’m the strange one for not having my own mini grocery store in what used to be my closet. All for the low price of “almost nothing”, too. I don’t know.

In conclusion…

“In conclusion” – every college student begins the final paragraph of their essays with these two words. 

In conclusion, TV is good. I like TV. It is entertaining. It makes me questions things. The sound of an empty coffee cup being placed on a table in TV shows bothers me.

There, a college essay-esque conclusion.

But wait, there’s more!

However, it’s not like I’m about to go watch a movie at a theatre with people who clearly don’t value the (precious) buttered popcorn they drop on every step as they try and find a seat, only for that popcorn to end up on the bottom of my shoes when I exit.

So, I’ll stick to the couch and the potato chip crumbs between the cushions. Thanks.

Bring on the couch potato comments.