Talking To Myself

3:56 AM

If you’ve read my blog before, you probably know my name is Paul. If you haven’t, and this is your first time, welcome. My name is Paul. Feel free to squint at my name tag if you forget. I know how awkward it can be to ask someone their name after they’ve already told you.

I’m going to do something now that I don’t think I’ve done in the two and a half years that I’ve had this blog.

I’m just going to sit here and write. I don’t know what I’m going to say. I don’t know how much I’m going to say. I don’t know what my next sentence is going to be.

But right now, the only thing I feel like doing is writing.

Before I had this blog, such a thought would have made me laugh. “Who feels like writing?”

Writing was a chore. It was almost always associated with a late night, a box of donuts (to keep me awake), and an essay due the next morning.

And there was always stress involved with writing. Everything I wrote was receiving a mark, which told me how far away from perfect (100%) my hard work was.

So, did I feel like writing? No. Never. It was just something that was required.

None of that is true here. And by “here”, I am referring to WordPress. I am referring to this blog. I am referring to the community of bloggers.

Here, writing is liberating. It is a release. It is all of my thoughts exiting my body so I don’t have to deal with them anymore.

Almost every blog post I’ve ever written has given me some sort of joy, peace, or satisfaction, as soon as I hit the “publish” button. It’s a feeling I’m not sure I can explain beyond that. If you’re a blogger, you probably know what I mean.

Every single day, I’m amazed by the words that other bloggers write. Everyone has their own style. Everyone has their own reason for blogging. Everyone is different.

And yet, it feels like we’re all the same.

Just a bunch of keyboard tappers trying to find meaning in the words we write, while hoping others can too.

I’ve said since I started this blog that blogging is like talking to myself and then realizing that someone heard me.

I get that sense when I read other blogs. That they are just talking to themselves – working things out on their own through the words they write.

I started writing poetry on my blog a few months ago and expected a huge backlash of comments like, “Woah, why are you writing poetry?” I didn’t get that. I got supportive comments that I knew were genuine. That meant a lot.

My poems are a way for me to say things that only I will ever understand. Sure, people will read them and have an idea of what I’m saying, but it’s their interpretation.

Revealing my thoughts through poetry is like a magician revealing their tricks, but the audience still has no clue how it’s done.

That’s what I love about this.

In our world today, I get the sense that people are afraid to show emotion. People are afraid to cry. People are even more afraid to admit that they cry.

What’s wrong with that?

Why are we afraid to admit to something we’ve all done?

Everyone always complains about the negative posts and images on social media.

“I’m putting this picture of a flower in my status to break up the string of negative posts on my news feed because…etc. Who else will join me?”

SAVE IT.

That is my least favourite Facebook chain status in the world. You don’t need to post a picture of a flower and then tell me why you’re doing it.

If you want to post a picture of a flower, just post a picture of a flower!

Why do we have to explain why we’re being positive?

Another question: what’s wrong with being heartfelt?

Are we all scared of being labelled “soft”, “weak”, “emotional”, or “unmanly?”

Who really cares?

Words spoken from the heart are the most beautiful words any of us could ever contribute. We don’t do it enough.

We wait for special days, or holidays, to finally say how we really feel. To speak freely on social media. To speak from the heart.

Celebrities pass away and what do we see? We see a picture of them accompanied by some of their most profound quotes that force us to reflect, while we get a bit misty eyed.

Why can’t we read quotes like that on a daily basis? Why can’t we each create words that evoke that kind of response from others? We’re all capable of it. We don’t have to be a celebrity. It’s so much better than reading: “Hey look at my drink from Starbucks!” is it not?

I really don’t know where I’m going with this and I’m glad. That was the point of this post.

I’ve received some comments on my blog over the past few years that I’ve saved on my phone because they meant that much to me. They were the kind of comments that made me feel like the words I wrote really impacted someone else.

Also, random compliments from strangers. I like those.

Not compliments like, “Great post!” or “I really enjoyed this one!”. Those are nice, don’t get me wrong. But the ones I saved were some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

Friends are supposed to compliment you. We expect that. Strangers on the Internet? They don’t have to say anything at all. But when they do, and it’s a compliment, I know it’s genuine.

The person I am is just a collection of small pieces I’ve taken from everyone I’ve ever encountered. I’m constantly evolving. Constantly learning. Constantly trying to understand everything I am not.

So when I read other blogs, I try to take something away from them. Whether it’s their writing style, a life experience, or their ability to crack two jokes in one sentence.

I believe our words reveal our heart.

That is what I try to do with this blog.

To talk to myself and then realize that people were listening. Not the other way around.

5:59 AM