Science

Throw on a lab coat and a pair of foggy, oversized goggles that scream “pink eye!” because this blog is about to go where it has never gone before. For the first and probably last time ever, I bring to you a science-y post which is coming down in…

3…

2…

1…

Because of gravity.

Science puns are hit or miss. This could be a long post.

By the way, that description of goggles was brought to you by Classrooms. “Classrooms: learn something.” Catchy slogan.

When I heard that there might be a ninth planet, I got really excited. So excited, that I decided to write a blog post right away about it! a week and a half after the fact.

Okay, so I wasn’t really excited. Actually, my first reaction was trying to come up with any joke I could. That’s my contribution to the scientific community. You’re welcome. I accept gift baskets.

Has anyone checked on Pluto since they announced there might be a ninth planet? It’s probably waist deep in ice cream and Adele songs by now.

It gets better, Pluto. It gets better.

I thought it was amazing that a planet, which could be ten times the mass of the Earth, hasn’t been discovered yet. It really put things in perspective for me.

We all eventually found Waldo and he was so tiny. A hipster in a hat, with Harry Potter glasses, and a candy cane inspired t-shirt sent all of us on a manhunt for minutes on end at one point in our lives.

I like Waldo. He dares to be different by being exactly the same all the time.

Waldo’s Instagram feed must be a hit.

I should probably get back to talking about science now. I’ll do so, reluctantly.

I’ve never really had an interest in science. I was never really good at it, either. Funny how that works. French was the second language they taught me at school. Science felt like the third and the fourth.

All of a sudden we were doing science experiments and asked to do write-ups for each one. That bothered me right away.

I always wrote my hypothesis after I completed the experiment.

“What do you think will happen after you mix these two liquids in a beaker?”

I don’t know. There will be less space in the beaker than there was before?

Seriously.

It just felt like a waste of time to me.

The only subject in science I really liked was the one on colours because it was the only one that didn’t feel like science. It felt like art. Another subject I was terrible at.

The best advice I have ever been given is: “If you can’t draw, don’t.”

Magical words, aren’t they?

I think I liked the unit on colours so much because an episode of Magic School Bus spent half an hour making prisms and primary colours sound like the coolest thing since ice cubes.

In elementary school, no science lesson was complete without an episode of Bill Nye The Science Guy.

Nothing made a kid happier than seeing a fat back TV on a trolley being wheeled in to the classroom running into the door frame and causing a thud, before finally making its way into the classroom.

And people wonder why millennials are so attached to technology. It was the only time we ever got really excited at school. A TV coming into the classroom brought instant smiles to every face. You can’t tell me it didn’t.

Surprisingly, long division never had the same effect.

It’s been a few years since everyone realized that Bill Nye is actually a scientist in real life. It might take me about thirty more years to come to terms with it. I was blown away the first time I found out.

Think about how lucky he is. If his last name were anything other than a word that rhymed with “Guy”, he would not be Bill Nye The Science Guy.

Bill Smith The Science Myth doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Outside of his show, I can’t take him seriously. Every time I see him talking about science, my mind immediately goes into concert mode and starts singing.

Bill Nye The Science Guy. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill Nye The Science Guy! (Insert something about inertia and matter). Science Rules! (Insert guitar solo). (Insert image of Bill Nye’s head spinning). (Repeat).

By the time the concert in my head is over, he is normally done talking and I have no clue what he said.

What I always found amazing about every Bill Nye episode was how each one ended. There was always a song, or sometimes a rap, at the end of each episode. I thought that was wildly creative and completely unexpected.

Imagine the production meeting.

Producer: So, how should we end each episode?

Intern with no future: Let’s sing a song about science!

Producer: I love it!

Intern with no future: Maybe I do have a future, after all.

End scene.

I really can’t see that conversation going any other way. Can you?

I was so happy when I found out that Grade 10 would be the last time I ever had to take science. The smile on my face almost fell off. I didn’t have enough face for it.

And then I got to university and found myself taking two astronomy classes because I needed a science credit.

A sport management student sitting in an astronomy lecture is like trying to stick your big toe into a water bottle. Like, what are you doing?

For a whole year I had to pretend and be interested in the solar system, picking up on buzz words like zodiac, stars, and Jupiter, to feel like I knew what I was learning.

Thank goodness there weren’t any assignments. Two midterm exams. Each one had 50 multiple guess choice questions. Then the final exam had 100 multiple guess choice questions.

The good thing about multiple choice is that the answer is staring right at you at all times. The bad thing about them is when you answer the same letter too many times in a row and immediately doubt yourself.

The last five answers have been “B”. This can’t be right.

We are never confident enough to believe in our own answers. If there is a pattern in the answers, we are wrong. No doubt about it.

I’d like to think that if I were a professor/teacher, that I would never make the answer the same letter in more than two consecutive questions.

But then again, part of me believes I would definitely make a fifty question exam and have every answer be “D” just to see the confusion play out in front of me.

That would make me happy.

Well, that’s about it.

It’s clear that when God was handing out science knowledge that I was nowhere to be found. I was probably at a concession stand getting a Mars Bar.

I don’t like Mars Bars, but it was a perfect punchline. Just pretend I like Mars Bars. 

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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27 Responses to Science

  1. Nerdy and funny. My favorite line was if you can’t draw it etc

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jess says:

    Oh my God, I don’t even know where to begin…
    1.) Your tweet was the first mention I heard about a ninth planet. So thank you for unintentionally informing me.
    2.) Your bit about Bill Nye got me thinking of my Art History courses and having to watch Sister Wendy. She was the Bill Nye of art. Google her.
    3.) I’m with you on the multiple choice answers. If I were your student, I’d probably cry if you pulled that one on me. I’d say make that a life goal of yours just for personal satisfaction.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like Mars Bars. Of course, I’m the only one who does. But Bill Smith the Science Myth will never do. I can remember seeing the TV being wheeled into our classroom. Those were giddy days, especially after the lights went down. That’s when the paper wad attacks would begin…and no air raid sirens! My desk barely qualified as a bunker. I was forced to defend myself by firing paper clips across the room by way of rubber band. Civilian casualties were high, but those were accepted losses—it was war! Once, one of the casualties was Mrs. Marks. Her hair never had a chance. It was her own fault, though; she should have worn a helmet. By the time they got her to the OR (Office Receptionist) the clip was so wedged in her hair, she had to go to the salon to have it removed. We were hoping she’d been sent stateside, but no luck. She was returned to action and later made assistant principal.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It makes my heart so sad that you don’t like science! Chemistry was always my favorite. I pretended I was in Potions class with Snape, making all kinds of magical concoctions! I’m with you on Physics, though (my only C ever). When I do electricity & magnetism calculations, my brain Hertz.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. heymeghan91 says:

    On behalf of the science community please expect a gift basket in the next 5-10 business days.

    Side note: Bill NYE the Science guy used to be on Netflix. I believe it still is. I might just go watch it after work.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. casondra2rey says:

    I love the way your brain works lol 👏👏 I think that sums that up

    Liked by 1 person

  7. LosiLosLoco says:

    Oh Paul..! You goofball! Thank you for speaking your thoughts into existence. Seriously, this represents how my mind works sometimes. It’s entertaining. 🙂 Bill Nye was awesome. The Magic School Bus rules. Science is not my thing and technology is awesome. Bye! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. anshurao says:

    I just found your blog and I think I’ll like it: the words with the strikethroughs are a nice touch. The humour is great.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: Have A Nice Read! #3 | ThoughtsOfaTrainwreckedPineapple

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