Paulo’s Kitchen: Pancakes

Paulo’s Kitchen is recorded in front of a live studio audience. The people in the audience are real. However, their ooh’s and aah’s may be exaggerated. And no, the camera does not add ten pounds; Paulo’s cooking might, though. To be a member of our live studio audience, please call…  

Oh, hello! Didn’t see you there. Welcome back to another award-worthy edition of Paulo’s Kitchen. I’m Chef Paulo. Step inside my kitchen!

There are people who say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Personally, I think that is a slap in the face to lunch and dinner. But that’s a debate for another day.

We are making a classic today, kids.

Pancakes. 

Now, we’re not making the fancy kind. We’re making the delicious kind. Know the difference.

Step 1: Get a KitchenAid mixer. We’re going all out. A KitchenAid mixer gets the job done. If you don’t have one, borrow one from a neighbour. If they don’t have one, they’re lying. In that case, pull out a hand mixer. If you don’t have one of those, get out a spatula and get ready to whip it, whip it good.

Step 2: Crack an egg into your mixing bowl. Get an adult to assist you, if necessary. Do NOT get the shell in the bowl. You did, didn’t you. Alright, dig the shell out. I’ll wait. Got it out yet? Good. Your homework is to crack eggs until you get it right. Life skills 101.

Step 3: Turn on the mixer to beat the egg. Do this for 90 seconds, or so.

“Or so” can be defined as: A precise measurement of time that has no exact duration.

Step 4: Take the milk out of the fridge. I’m using 2% milk. Use other milk at your own discretion. Do not use milk directly from a cow. That takes too long.

Step 5: Measure 1 cup of milk in a measuring cup. Pour the milk into the mixing bowl.

I should note, do not turn off the mixer unless I say: TURN OFF THE MIXER. Capiche?

Step 6: Mix the milk with the egg for about as long as it takes you to take the sugar out of the cupboard and grab a tablespoon…and then add about 19 seconds, OR SO, to that time.

Step 7: Add 3 tablespoons of sugar to the mixing bowl. Other than turning on the mixer, this might be the easiest thing you do all day.

Don’t drop the spoon in the mixer. Young Paulo “may” have done so before. It rattles around for a few seconds and then the spoon shoots out of the bowl and may hit you in the forehead on the morning of picture day at school. Then you will have a welt and it won’t be pretty. Or the spoon will shoot out of the bowl and hit the wall, just like it did when I foolishly dropped it in. 

Step 8: Let the sugar mix with the egg and milk for about as long as it takes for you to grab the bag of flour and measure out 1 cup in a…you guessed it…measuring cup.

At this point you’ve been focussing on making pancakes for about five whole minutes. Kudos to you for not looking at your cellphone yet. This is the kind of stuff you brag about to your friends.

Step 9: Slowly pour the cup of flour into the mixing bowl. If you put too much in at once, there will be a large flour cloud. You don’t want that. You’re not wearing goggles. So do it slowly. I SAID SLOWLY. Thank you.

Step 10: Look in the mixing bowl and watch it mix. You don’t know what’s going on in there, but you’re pretty sure it’s magic. Where did the egg go?

Step 11: Locate the baking powder in your house and add 2 teaspoons to the mixing bowl. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is. Trust me. This, too, is magic.

Step 12: Let the mixer run for about 58 seconds on medium speed, or whichever one is the notch below the really fast one.

Step 13: TURN OFF THE MIXER.

Step 14: Grab your handy spatula and push down on the raw ingredients that have crept up the side of the bowl. They are trying to escape. Don’t let them.

Step 15: Release an evil laugh.

Step 16: Observe the pancake batter. If it is too watery, add some more flour. Just some, though. If it is too thick, add some more milk. Just some, though. Skip this step if the batter is perfect.

“Some” can be defined as: Not a lot, but not a little. Just, some. Got it?

Step 17: TURN ON THE MIXER and let the ingredients mix for about 63 more seconds, OR SO. You decide how long the “or so” should be.

Step 18: TURN OFF THE MIXER.

Step 19: Turn on the stove, grab a pan, put some oil in it, and cook the pancake batter.

You all know how to cook pancakes on a stove, right? Get an adult to do it for you, if you can’t. Let’s pull some TV magic and skip ahead to the part where all of your pancakes are cooked.

Step 20: Pour some maple syrup on top of your pancakes. Too little, and they’ll taste dry. Too much, and your pancakes will be drowning. Quick, grab a life preserver! A.K.A. your fork.

Step 21: Eat the pancakes.

Now, if you want to put other ingredients on top of your pancakes, I would suggest that you don’t. This is Paulo’s Kitchen. We do things the simple way around here.

I don’t have time for fresh fruit, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, butter, or whatever else you put on your pancakes.

Follow my 21 steps and you won’t be disappointed. Though if you are disappointed, that’s on you. Not me.

There, I’ve successfully shifted all blame while making some quality pancakes.

I’m Paulo, and this has been another award-worthy edition of Paulo’s Kitchen.

Next time on Paulo’s Kitchen: Paulo cooks up a storm, but will the precipitation rain on his parade? Also, tragedy strikes when Paulo drops a glass of milk on the floor, but a hero emerges when Paulo orders an audience member cleans it up for him. All this and more, next time, on Paulo’s Kitchen.