All I want to do is sit at my desk, in the dark, listen to music, scratch my leg with my foot, and write a blog post. Apparently that is too much to ask. I am under attack, again.
Two nights ago, I wrote a bone-chilling post about a fly that was trying to attack me in the dark. You can read about that traumatic experience HERE.
Tonight, I was about to write a blog post. That has been put off until tomorrow, at least. I leaned in to start typing at 2:36 a.m. and what appeared right in front of my face?
No, not a leprechaun in a cheap cowboy hat. Who shouted that out?
It was that darn fly!
There is a 95% chance it was the same fly. A 4% chance it was a hired hitman. And a 1% chance that I imagined the whole thing. I don’t think I imagined it. It was too real.
It was right there in front of my face. The gall! It was probably mocking me. I didn’t think of smacking it between my hands, though I should have.
I could’ve smeared it’s blood on my face and looked like a war hero, or an idiot.
Another option would’ve been to smack it against my face. I didn’t want to do that because what if I missed it and knocked myself out, instead? The fly would whip out a permanent marker and draw all over me. It would then take a selfie next to me with it’s iFly and post it on Flybook.
That picture would’ve gone viral.
When I saw the fly in front of me, I flinched. I’ll admit, that was a sign of weakness on my part. It was also a bad idea because I think I have whiplash.
The fly flew over my head like half of my jokes do over yours and out of sight. I quickly turned on my desk lamp to try and locate it, but it was gone. What a coward.
I have had enough. It takes a lot to get me angry. I am fuming. Picture a 5-year-old kid who just had his sand castle ruined. That is how mad I am right now. No tears. Just a whole lot of stomping around going on. You probably think I’m kidding. I’m not.
If there are two things I can’t stand, it’s people that ruin sand castles, and flies that perform sneak attacks on me in a dark room. They probably hang out together at abandoned gas stations and share stories.
I’m living in fear. I can’t even yawn without thinking the fly will go in my mouth and attack me from the inside. Of course, I could just swallow it and then eat a lot of pizza to bury it in my stomach. But this fly seems like a fighter. It would definitely do something, before it got flattened by pizza.
I think it’s time to call in reinforcements. The big guns, if you will.
This is what I will have with me tomorrow night, while I sit in the dark at my desk:
1. A propellor hat – If it goes near my head, it will be sliced in half.
2. Two lids from the biggest pots in the kitchen – They will be used for crushing the fly, as well as making enough noise until the fly is deaf and the whole house is woken up so he won’t hear me sneak up on him.
3. A fire hose – When in doubt, drown it out. My bedroom is going to look like Niagara Falls – the Canadian side. Not the American side.
Those last two sentences went over so many people’s heads. Hello, India!
4. A plate of cheese underneath a box, propped up by a stick – Classic trap. Works in cartoons every time. Why wouldn’t it work here?
5. Four frogs – There will be one in each corner. If they detect movement, they’ll move in on the target and eat it. Hopefully they don’t think I’m the target.
6. Lose Yourself by Eminem – This will be playing on the stereo to intimidate the fly.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, Mom’s spaghetti (how disrespectful), he’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs.
There are a few other tricks I have up my short sleeves. Maybe I’ll dig a trench, who knows. I don’t want to divulge too much information. For all I know, the fly reads my blog.
If you are reading this right now, Mr. Fly, I have two questions for you:
Do you ever go to the washroom? Or are you in a constant state of constipation?
Seriously, though.
The fight of the century goes down tomorrow night.
Pizza Paul vs. Constipated Fly
Place your bets.
hee hee hee !You silly man why don’t you on the lights?? It might do the trick & that Mr or Ms Fly reveals its mighty avatar ( How do you know the gender btw Pizza Paulo ) ? 😀
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Because it’s late at night and the lights will keep me awake! The point is for me to get tired haha. It’s definitely a guy. It has a deep voice.
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Still you could have done something to buzz that guy fly off 😀
I can’t sleep with lights aswell. .
Wait have a net around your bed lol it ll keep him away 😃😃😃😃
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Haha then I would trap myself! I think my cheese and box trap will work.
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Hahah you wouldn’t Google a big net pic you ll get the idea what I am saying 😂😂😂
Flies and cheese trap what the fudge :p
You’re incorrigible 😝😝😝
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Probably an idiot, actually not probably but really an idiot.
“I’m living in fear. I can’t even yawn without thinking the fly will go in my mouth and attack me from the inside.” Hahaha that’s a good one.
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Haha just because I call myself an idiot doesn’t mean you have to agree with me!
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Haha i thought i had to take your word for it….oh shot sorry i forgot i was suppose to say “Come on you are not an idiot” I will remembered next time.
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Come on, Paul. Did you not read my response to your first post on the fly? Study it. If you have a camera with a telefoto lens, you can get closeups that will really give you nightmares! Think of a clever way to lure it into a trap, then let it go. It doesn’t want to be with you any more than you want to be with him/her. He/she wants OUT!!!! LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!
Or, try the dog or horse-whisperer approach. Hypnotise it………Just a couple of suggestions.
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I did study it. You want me to talk to the fly! And it’s been two days. My door has been open. It could’ve left! It didn’t. Now we must fight. Though hypnotizing it sounds fun..
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Thanks for Eminem….new for me. I’m listening to Sixto Rodriguez these days. Did you see the documentary “Searching for Sugarman”? Also, Amy Winehouse, how I wish I’d discovered her before her passing into another realm………
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I have not seen that documentary.
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http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2125608/
I hear him in concert next week in Saratoga at the Mountain Winery along with Brian Wilson. Until the documentary, no one in this country knew anything about Rodriguez, but South African’s loved him, having seen his 3 albums back in the 70’s, and thought he was dead until a South African filmmaker made it his goal to find out what happened to Rodriguez. A really incredible musician/philosopher/man.
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Good luck for the big game tomorrow night! I’ll be on the side of the Constipated Fly though! 😛
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Wow!
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Unless a fly swatter is in your short sleeve arsenal, my money is on the fly. I got a Huntsman spider for rent! Just sayin’. 😉
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Have the Huntsman spider on standby just in case I need to finish the fight quickly.
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COOL!!!!! I love spiders. They keep my ant population in check in my home.
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Yessssss!! Get ’em!! I’m putting my begs on you for sure!! I don’t even care what the Vegas odds are. $10 on Paul for the win, please. I do, however, believe that this fight will go multiple rounds and it will not, by an means, be a clean fight. I think the fly might knock you down a couple times but you’ll get back up again because he’s never ever gonna keep you down (too young for that song reference?). I predict 3 long hard fought rounds. Good luck and godspeed!!
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My bet not begs!! Grrr!!
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Hahaha great song! One of the first catchy songs I ever knew. Thank you for your support! It will definitely be a dirty fight, but I like my chances.
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💰💰💰💰 you’ve got this!!
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Without a doubt, I would bet on you. But to raise the stakes and make things interesting, I bet the cheese trap will land the finishing blow.
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I appreciate your loyalty! The cheese trap is very effective. I wouldn’t be surprised.
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LMFAOOOOOOOO It’s a fly! I finally get time to catch up and I read about you VS a fly! Omg! Classic Paul classic..I died with the song choice you go with to intimidate it… would of gone with no doubts hey baby song.. at least they mention a fly 😛
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It is not JUST a fly! Hahaha I just looked up that song to make sure it was what I thought it was..soo classic. I thought Eminem would throw it off a bit.
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I wish you luck. That fly sounds like a tough one. 0__0
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Thank you! It is!
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I think you meant “that picture would go Flyral” 😉
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Hahaha fantastic!
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Thank you! I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
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I think the line is “I’m here all week. Try the veal.” But no, you went straight for the tips! Smart and sneaky.
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Hahaha, lots of comedians will say the don’t forget to tip your waitresses line. I think both work 🙂
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Oh. I take back the “smart and sneaky” part then haha
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First off I am dying at the thought of you reeling backwards trying to get away from this fly. Second, I feel this fly has the upper hand. Although your reinforcements are a surefire way to get rid of gnats, not a fly. Wrong reinforcements. I’m imagining you swinging at this fly while Eminem plays in the background. You are waaaay too funny!
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I’m hoping the “one reinforcement fits all” rule applies and they work against this fly. Thanks for laughing! haha
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Hmm….I’ll be surprised if it does. HOWEVER, if it does work, please let me know. It’ll be groundbreaking!
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I will!
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you are ridiculous. and such talent to write a whole blog post about a damn fly. hahahaha.
and yes, I use the bathroom every day. I sometimes am constipated and it is very frustrating.
oh boy.
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Hahaha that’s the general consensus from the comments I’ve gotten. Lol thanks for sharing your bathroom habits? This was a first.
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ahahaha you asked!
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and I realized that you were asking the fly… of course… now…. ahhhh
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Hahahahahahahaha that might be the greatest comment I’ve ever gotten. Thank you!
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Uh oh. Seriously, Pizza Paul, turn on the lights. Maybe attach a flashlight to your head. And put ten pounds of metronidazole in the cheese. That’ll loosen up the fly’s bowels and it’ll be stuck in the loo forever, and that’ll let you flush it away! Right?
Gotta convince the fly to eat that cheese though.
Lamest advice ever.
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It was a pretty bad idea, and then you mention “stuck in the loo forever” and I thought it was genius haha. Okay, I’m not turning my lights on at 2 in the morning, or I’ll get family members coming over saying “why are you awake” and sitting in the dark is cool at that time.
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Erm. Maybe run out the room and get back in the morning. Meanwhile, go for a drive. Yes. At 2 am. Slasher movie scenarios are better than Constipated Fly attacks, right? *straight face*
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You’re so right! Gonna go hide out in aisle 4 at the local 24-hour grocery store.
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Get rock hard frozen pizza. You need assault weapons. 😀
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….And stuff to eat. I can just throw oranges and say they’re grenades.
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Yes. Good. Go, Paul, Go! 🙌🙌
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You’re pretty fly for a white guy… so the Offspring were singing about you?
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You bet! Little known fact.
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i’m blaming you for me being under attack tonight. i was reading this and i was laughing so hard that my head went back onto my pillow. then i saw a centipede on my ceiling above my bed. THANKS, PAUL. i’ve never had a bug in my room until tonight!
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HAHA oh this is too good! YOU’RE WELCOME. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have been laughing and would have never noticed it. Then it might’ve jumped on you in the middle of the night.
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well, i mean at the time i was laughing at the comment from the person who was talking about her bathroom habits haha, but i suppose that’s true! i still blame you, though.
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That comment might be the best all-time. I’ll take the blame for saving you from a middle of the night centipede incident. So, were is the thing now?
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my mom’s boyfriend came in and killed it for me. i’m terrified of them! especially when they’re on the ceiling above my bed because i tend to miss since they’re so fast. i didn’t want it to fall onto my bed or i’d be sleeping on the couch!
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I can’t stop laughing over this. It’s like a horror film coming to life.
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my best friend just told me she was under attack yesterday. a centipede came “charging” at her lol another reason i hate summer.
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This was definitely a post I didn’t expect to read ever lmao I’ll have my bee friends talk to their fly friends and see if we can’t get that rogue fly handled, sir!
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Haha good! I appreciate the help.
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HahaHahah just read this out to my mum!
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Haha I hope she laughed!!
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The Mockingfly.
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GENIUS! This my turn into Paul’s blog ft. Barb after all.
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Haha. I thought you’d like it.
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Immediately cover all walls, ceilings, and floors with double sided tape. Hurry! There’s no time to lose in this war. You can get rid of flies and build up your supply of snacks for guests at the same time.
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This absolutely brilliant! I’ll get on that right now.
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I don’t which is sillier, you for fearing all or me for actually reading about it. Flyswatter, just sayin
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How can you make me laugh every single day? thank you!
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My pleasure.
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Oh what a fly, imagination, and GREAT procrastination will do to inspire a blog post. 😉
I will now say the two words every girl will scream on the ready . . . KILL IIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!
US Lifestyle Blog // rebekahkoontzsite.com
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Hahaha it was a lot of fun to write. I’ve had a bunch of girls call me to their “rescue” and yell exactly that to me when faced with bugs
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That’s why God created men. 😉 Okay other reasons too.. But this is one of the MOST important!
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Last summer while I was working at camp they called me over to kill a spider. Or at least they told me it was a spider. This thing was HUUUUGE and it was in a kids backpack. I picked up the backpack and ran outside with it. It was pretty terrifying cuz the thing was enormous but I couldn’t show fear haha
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What’d you end up doing??
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Brought the bag outside next to bushes that lead to a forest, and shook the big thing off the bag without it touching my hands. I went back inside and everyone was mad I didn’t kill it. It was too big to kill!
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Hahaha. You should’ve torn up your clothes and made it look like you put up a good fight. Could’ve come back wailing and everything
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I’m stealing this idea if I’m faced with the same thing this summer! Haha
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Lol if you must, video tape it, then run up and grab the camera lense and say “they’re coming..” When the camera goes to static you can add “idea by Rebekah Koontz”. X-)
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LOLOL you’re a genius. I may just film this even if there is a tiny fruit fly.
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Hahaha it’ll go FLYRAL! (See what I did there?)
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Haha I do. Though someone already made that pun earlier in the comments!
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I saw it =-P I just meant I was circling our conversation back around to your post.
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Oh. OH! Well done!
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*smug face* thank you. Haha
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Paul. A fly literally just attacked my face while I was watching YouTube videos in bed. It’s all your fault.
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Hahaha! Sorry. A week or two ago a fly attacked me in the shower…
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Oh jeez hahaha that must’ve been fun!
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