Under Attack: Round 2

All I want to do is sit at my desk, in the dark, listen to music, scratch my leg with my foot, and write a blog post. Apparently that is too much to ask. I am under attack, again.

Two nights ago, I wrote a bone-chilling post about a fly that was trying to attack me in the dark. You can read about that traumatic experience HERE.

Tonight, I was about to write a blog post. That has been put off until tomorrow, at least. I leaned in to start typing at 2:36 a.m. and what appeared right in front of my face?

No, not a leprechaun in a cheap cowboy hat. Who shouted that out?

It was that darn fly!

There is a 95% chance it was the same fly. A 4% chance it was a hired hitman. And a 1% chance that I imagined the whole thing. I don’t think I imagined it. It was too real.

It was right there in front of my face. The gall! It was probably mocking me. I didn’t think of smacking it between my hands, though I should have.

I could’ve smeared it’s blood on my face and looked like a war hero, or an idiot.

Another option would’ve been to smack it against my face. I didn’t want to do that because what if I missed it and knocked myself out, instead? The fly would whip out a permanent marker and draw all over me. It would then take a selfie next to me with it’s iFly and post it on Flybook.

That picture would’ve gone viral.

When I saw the fly in front of me, I flinched. I’ll admit, that was a sign of weakness on my part. It was also a bad idea because I think I have whiplash.

The fly flew over my head like half of my jokes do over yours and out of sight. I quickly turned on my desk lamp to try and locate it, but it was gone. What a coward.

I have had enough. It takes a lot to get me angry. I am fuming. Picture a 5-year-old kid who just had his sand castle ruined. That is how mad I am right now. No tears. Just a whole lot of stomping around going on. You probably think I’m kidding. I’m not.

If there are two things I can’t stand, it’s people that ruin sand castles, and flies that perform sneak attacks on me in a dark room. They probably hang out together at abandoned gas stations and share stories. 

I’m living in fear. I can’t even yawn without thinking the fly will go in my mouth and attack me from the inside. Of course, I could just swallow it and then eat a lot of pizza to bury it in my stomach. But this fly seems like a fighter. It would definitely do something, before it got flattened by pizza.

I think it’s time to call in reinforcements. The big guns, if you will.

This is what I will have with me tomorrow night, while I sit in the dark at my desk:

1. A propellor hat – If it goes near my head, it will be sliced in half.

2. Two lids from the biggest pots in the kitchen – They will be used for crushing the fly, as well as making enough noise until the fly is deaf and the whole house is woken up so he won’t hear me sneak up on him.

3. A fire hoseWhen in doubt, drown it out. My bedroom is going to look like Niagara Falls – the Canadian side. Not the American side.

Those last two sentences went over so many people’s heads. Hello, India! 

4. A plate of cheese underneath a box, propped up by a stick – Classic trap. Works in cartoons every time. Why wouldn’t it work here?

5. Four frogs – There will be one in each corner. If they detect movement, they’ll move in on the target and eat it. Hopefully they don’t think I’m the target.

6. Lose Yourself by Eminem – This will be playing on the stereo to intimidate the fly.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, Mom’s spaghetti (how disrespectful), he’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs.

There are a few other tricks I have up my short sleeves. Maybe I’ll dig a trench, who knows. I don’t want to divulge too much information. For all I know, the fly reads my blog.

If you are reading this right now, Mr. Fly, I have two questions for you:

Do you ever go to the washroom? Or are you in a constant state of constipation?

Seriously, though.

The fight of the century goes down tomorrow night.

Pizza Paul vs. Constipated Fly

Place your bets.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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91 Responses to Under Attack: Round 2

  1. izza ifzaal says:

    hee hee hee !You silly man why don’t you on the lights?? It might do the trick & that Mr or Ms Fly reveals its mighty avatar ( How do you know the gender btw Pizza Paulo ) ? 😀

    Liked by 3 people

    • Paul says:

      Because it’s late at night and the lights will keep me awake! The point is for me to get tired haha. It’s definitely a guy. It has a deep voice.

      Liked by 1 person

      • izza ifzaal says:

        Still you could have done something to buzz that guy fly off 😀
        I can’t sleep with lights aswell. .
        Wait have a net around your bed lol it ll keep him away 😃😃😃😃

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Haha then I would trap myself! I think my cheese and box trap will work.

        Like

      • izza ifzaal says:

        Hahah you wouldn’t Google a big net pic you ll get the idea what I am saying 😂😂😂
        Flies and cheese trap what the fudge :p
        You’re incorrigible 😝😝😝

        Like

  2. Issa says:

    Probably an idiot, actually not probably but really an idiot.
    “I’m living in fear. I can’t even yawn without thinking the fly will go in my mouth and attack me from the inside.” Hahaha that’s a good one.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Lea says:

    Come on, Paul. Did you not read my response to your first post on the fly? Study it. If you have a camera with a telefoto lens, you can get closeups that will really give you nightmares! Think of a clever way to lure it into a trap, then let it go. It doesn’t want to be with you any more than you want to be with him/her. He/she wants OUT!!!! LET ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!
    Or, try the dog or horse-whisperer approach. Hypnotise it………Just a couple of suggestions.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      I did study it. You want me to talk to the fly! And it’s been two days. My door has been open. It could’ve left! It didn’t. Now we must fight. Though hypnotizing it sounds fun..

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Lea says:

    Thanks for Eminem….new for me. I’m listening to Sixto Rodriguez these days. Did you see the documentary “Searching for Sugarman”? Also, Amy Winehouse, how I wish I’d discovered her before her passing into another realm………

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I have not seen that documentary.

      Like

      • Lea says:

        http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2125608/
        I hear him in concert next week in Saratoga at the Mountain Winery along with Brian Wilson. Until the documentary, no one in this country knew anything about Rodriguez, but South African’s loved him, having seen his 3 albums back in the 70’s, and thought he was dead until a South African filmmaker made it his goal to find out what happened to Rodriguez. A really incredible musician/philosopher/man.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Suri says:

    Good luck for the big game tomorrow night! I’ll be on the side of the Constipated Fly though! 😛

    Like

  6. Unless a fly swatter is in your short sleeve arsenal, my money is on the fly. I got a Huntsman spider for rent! Just sayin’. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  7. rebecak says:

    Yessssss!! Get ’em!! I’m putting my begs on you for sure!! I don’t even care what the Vegas odds are. $10 on Paul for the win, please. I do, however, believe that this fight will go multiple rounds and it will not, by an means, be a clean fight. I think the fly might knock you down a couple times but you’ll get back up again because he’s never ever gonna keep you down (too young for that song reference?). I predict 3 long hard fought rounds. Good luck and godspeed!!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Frederick says:

    Without a doubt, I would bet on you. But to raise the stakes and make things interesting, I bet the cheese trap will land the finishing blow.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. LMFAOOOOOOOO It’s a fly! I finally get time to catch up and I read about you VS a fly! Omg! Classic Paul classic..I died with the song choice you go with to intimidate it… would of gone with no doubts hey baby song.. at least they mention a fly 😛

    Liked by 3 people

    • Paul says:

      It is not JUST a fly! Hahaha I just looked up that song to make sure it was what I thought it was..soo classic. I thought Eminem would throw it off a bit.

      Like

  10. anxietybug88 says:

    I wish you luck. That fly sounds like a tough one. 0__0

    Liked by 2 people

  11. paigetheresa says:

    I think you meant “that picture would go Flyral” 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  12. amorefado says:

    First off I am dying at the thought of you reeling backwards trying to get away from this fly. Second, I feel this fly has the upper hand. Although your reinforcements are a surefire way to get rid of gnats, not a fly. Wrong reinforcements. I’m imagining you swinging at this fly while Eminem plays in the background. You are waaaay too funny!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. you are ridiculous. and such talent to write a whole blog post about a damn fly. hahahaha.
    and yes, I use the bathroom every day. I sometimes am constipated and it is very frustrating.
    oh boy.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Little Rants says:

    Uh oh. Seriously, Pizza Paul, turn on the lights. Maybe attach a flashlight to your head. And put ten pounds of metronidazole in the cheese. That’ll loosen up the fly’s bowels and it’ll be stuck in the loo forever, and that’ll let you flush it away! Right?

    Gotta convince the fly to eat that cheese though.

    Lamest advice ever.

    Liked by 3 people

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  16. You’re pretty fly for a white guy… so the Offspring were singing about you?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. i’m blaming you for me being under attack tonight. i was reading this and i was laughing so hard that my head went back onto my pillow. then i saw a centipede on my ceiling above my bed. THANKS, PAUL. i’ve never had a bug in my room until tonight!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      HAHA oh this is too good! YOU’RE WELCOME. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have been laughing and would have never noticed it. Then it might’ve jumped on you in the middle of the night.

      Like

  18. Buzzer Beater Supreme says:

    This was definitely a post I didn’t expect to read ever lmao I’ll have my bee friends talk to their fly friends and see if we can’t get that rogue fly handled, sir!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. theothersideofp says:

    HahaHahah just read this out to my mum!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Immediately cover all walls, ceilings, and floors with double sided tape. Hurry! There’s no time to lose in this war. You can get rid of flies and build up your supply of snacks for guests at the same time.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. melodysgt says:

    I don’t which is sillier, you for fearing all or me for actually reading about it. Flyswatter, just sayin

    Liked by 1 person

  22. JM Stories says:

    How can you make me laugh every single day? thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Oh what a fly, imagination, and GREAT procrastination will do to inspire a blog post. 😉

    I will now say the two words every girl will scream on the ready . . . KILL IIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

    US Lifestyle Blog // rebekahkoontzsite.com

    Liked by 1 person

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  25. Paul. A fly literally just attacked my face while I was watching YouTube videos in bed. It’s all your fault.

    Liked by 1 person

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