Under Attack

I was going to sit here and write a normal blog post tonight, but that all changed a few minutes ago. I am under attack. There is currently a fly flying around my bedroom and it just tried to attack me in the dark.

Somebody help.

Let me paint the picture. I’m terrible at painting, why would I say that?

Let me set the stage. I’ve never set a stage.

Let me put some dressing on this salad. Close enough.

Every night around 1:00AM, I go up to my room and read a book for about an hour (Shocking, right? I’ll have you know, I’ve read 8 books since January. Someone better compliment me!), then I go on my computer for a bit, before finally going to sleep.

Tonight, I entered my room around 1:30AM and saw something fly away from my bed. I thought I was imagining it, or it was dust. Either way, I didn’t think much of it.

“I didn’t think much of it” – six words all fly attack victims utter.

I read my book, turned off the light, and sat in front of my laptop around 2:30AM.

Now, you should know, I’ve been feeling sore all day today (Sunday). I used every muscle in my body yesterday, even one’s I didn’t know I had. Today was pretty rough. I felt like I had fallen down a ski hill and then run over by a bus…twice.

My reflexes today were not the quickest non-existent.

With all the lights off in my room, the fly decided to strike. It showed up on the bottom right corner of my laptop screen, like that annoying paperclip used to do in Microsoft Word.

What is a person supposed to do when that happens? Huh? Someone please tell me so I know for next time.

Many years ago I had a spider run across my keyboard and I didn’t know how to react then, either. Naturally, I made a Facebook status about it.

I immediately put my arms up in a “don’t shoot” position. Since it took so much effort to just raise my sore arms, I decided that since they were up, I would take the earbuds – which connected me to the laptop – out of my ears. Multitasking, kids. Learn it.

I needed to run away. I was free! Not so fast…

Sometimes I sit on my chair with my left leg tucked under my right leg. Big mistake. I’m so sore that I couldn’t unfold my legs fast enough to get out of my chair. So I resorted to Plan B.

I tried to backhand the fly.

I didn’t want to crush it against my laptop screen. Then it would be a crime scene. No. I just wanted to shoo it away. And shoo it away I did.

At this point, my legs were untangled and I was standing up in a fighting stance. Then I had the bright idea – pun intended – to turn on every light in my room. I turned on my desk lamp and overhead light.

My room was lit up like the night sky on the Fourth of July.

My American readers will appreciate that reference. Just know I only did it because “sky” rhymes with “July”.

I had to track the fly, right? Plus, they like the light.

Go towards the light, Mr. Fly. *Evil laugh*

I grabbed the kleenex box and pulled out three tissues – the murder weapon.

Slowly, I made my way over to my desk. It was gone. It had fled the scene. I paced around the room looking for it. No joke, I even waved my arms in the direction of the light, as if I was trying to land an airplane.

It’s 2:30AM, the bedroom door is closed. Am I just supposed to open it and hope the fly goes through it? It’s smarter than that. Plus, how will I know when to close the door? I probably won’t see it escape. I don’t have surveillance cameras.

So I am now stuck in my bedroom with a fly, who is flying around. He is probably waiting for me to fall asleep, so he can strike.

The hairs on my arms are standing up, as opposed to sitting down. Every few minutes I feel something on top of my head – is it the fly, or am I paranoid?

My desk lamp is still on and is acting as my only form of security. We can call it a “security lamp.” My blankets really dropped the ball on this one. They had a chance to literally be a “security blanket”, but were asleep at the wheel…err bed.

I have three tissues sitting next to me, and one issue flying around the room.

This fly has bad intentions. I can sense it. This room isn’t big enough for the both of us; I only have a twin-size bed.

I will not be defeated. This fly will lose. It’s probably killing time on it’s mobile phone right now – The iFly. Well guess what, I’m spending time on my iSpy.

I don’t know what that means.

If I don’t survive the night, I want you all to know that it’s been fun interacting with you. Many of you are hilarious; most of you are insane.

Now then, I must make my way to higher ground (my bed) so I can properly survey the premises (my room) in case of an attack from a violent death eater (a meek fly).

Godspeed.