Under Attack

I was going to sit here and write a normal blog post tonight, but that all changed a few minutes ago. I am under attack. There is currently a fly flying around my bedroom and it just tried to attack me in the dark.

Somebody help.

Let me paint the picture. I’m terrible at painting, why would I say that?

Let me set the stage. I’ve never set a stage.

Let me put some dressing on this salad. Close enough.

Every night around 1:00AM, I go up to my room and read a book for about an hour (Shocking, right? I’ll have you know, I’ve read 8 books since January. Someone better compliment me!), then I go on my computer for a bit, before finally going to sleep.

Tonight, I entered my room around 1:30AM and saw something fly away from my bed. I thought I was imagining it, or it was dust. Either way, I didn’t think much of it.

“I didn’t think much of it” – six words all fly attack victims utter.

I read my book, turned off the light, and sat in front of my laptop around 2:30AM.

Now, you should know, I’ve been feeling sore all day today (Sunday). I used every muscle in my body yesterday, even one’s I didn’t know I had. Today was pretty rough. I felt like I had fallen down a ski hill and then run over by a bus…twice.

My reflexes today were not the quickest non-existent.

With all the lights off in my room, the fly decided to strike. It showed up on the bottom right corner of my laptop screen, like that annoying paperclip used to do in Microsoft Word.

What is a person supposed to do when that happens? Huh? Someone please tell me so I know for next time.

Many years ago I had a spider run across my keyboard and I didn’t know how to react then, either. Naturally, I made a Facebook status about it.

I immediately put my arms up in a “don’t shoot” position. Since it took so much effort to just raise my sore arms, I decided that since they were up, I would take the earbuds – which connected me to the laptop – out of my ears. Multitasking, kids. Learn it.

I needed to run away. I was free! Not so fast…

Sometimes I sit on my chair with my left leg tucked under my right leg. Big mistake. I’m so sore that I couldn’t unfold my legs fast enough to get out of my chair. So I resorted to Plan B.

I tried to backhand the fly.

I didn’t want to crush it against my laptop screen. Then it would be a crime scene. No. I just wanted to shoo it away. And shoo it away I did.

At this point, my legs were untangled and I was standing up in a fighting stance. Then I had the bright idea – pun intended – to turn on every light in my room. I turned on my desk lamp and overhead light.

My room was lit up like the night sky on the Fourth of July.

My American readers will appreciate that reference. Just know I only did it because “sky” rhymes with “July”.

I had to track the fly, right? Plus, they like the light.

Go towards the light, Mr. Fly. *Evil laugh*

I grabbed the kleenex box and pulled out three tissues – the murder weapon.

Slowly, I made my way over to my desk. It was gone. It had fled the scene. I paced around the room looking for it. No joke, I even waved my arms in the direction of the light, as if I was trying to land an airplane.

It’s 2:30AM, the bedroom door is closed. Am I just supposed to open it and hope the fly goes through it? It’s smarter than that. Plus, how will I know when to close the door? I probably won’t see it escape. I don’t have surveillance cameras.

So I am now stuck in my bedroom with a fly, who is flying around. He is probably waiting for me to fall asleep, so he can strike.

The hairs on my arms are standing up, as opposed to sitting down. Every few minutes I feel something on top of my head – is it the fly, or am I paranoid?

My desk lamp is still on and is acting as my only form of security. We can call it a “security lamp.” My blankets really dropped the ball on this one. They had a chance to literally be a “security blanket”, but were asleep at the wheel…err bed.

I have three tissues sitting next to me, and one issue flying around the room.

This fly has bad intentions. I can sense it. This room isn’t big enough for the both of us; I only have a twin-size bed.

I will not be defeated. This fly will lose. It’s probably killing time on it’s mobile phone right now – The iFly. Well guess what, I’m spending time on my iSpy.

I don’t know what that means.

If I don’t survive the night, I want you all to know that it’s been fun interacting with you. Many of you are hilarious; most of you are insane.

Now then, I must make my way to higher ground (my bed) so I can properly survey the premises (my room) in case of an attack from a violent death eater (a meek fly).

Godspeed.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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89 Responses to Under Attack

  1. izza ifzaal says:

    Hahah all the best *pats on your shoulder* Or should I award you title of the Knight sacrificing his night for a demon fly 😀
    This reminds me of a fly sitting on my knee when I was taking a nap! Holy shit It freaked me out and I don’t know how I composed myself. I was at the verge of freakin out but they just take comfort in beating the shit out of us 😂😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Don’t pat me on the shoulder. How do I know the “pat on my shoulder” isn’t the fly landing on my shoulder! Yeah, I’m paranoid haha.

      Oh man, the fly is probably gonna be resting on me as I wake up tomorrow.

      Like

  2. Issa says:

    Hahaha oh crap you are funny men and I can’t like this post more than once which I would have but too bad for you….Again liking half way the post. Men I have to learn to finish reading first before I like and comment. Maybe the fly did attack you which will be a tragedy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Issa says:

    Ah men that was an awesome piece. You are hilarious; and probably insane too. (That was from “Many of you are hilarious; most of you are insane.” If you can’t tell.) You might be slow for your own good.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. grammyg53 says:

    Why THREE Kleenex? You should have thrown the box at it. Just wondering about such things… but then… we INSANE people……. uhhhhhh… thanks Paul. I didn’t think you’d sink to the point of calling your readers and friends such names… but then… you’re delirious. I forgive you. Hope you had pizza as your last meal. PIZZA!!! You should have left out a piece of pizza. THAT would have attracted the flying PITA. (Don’t know what a PITA is, my nutty friend?)

    Oh, and about the books. Might it be possible for me to borrow from your collection while my grandkidlings are here for their visit? The 18 month old loves to have books read to him. These ARE the types of books you read for an hour every night, right?

    HAPPY LOONEY JUNE!!! Y’all.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Haha I’m sure I can loan you my collection of picture books. And I took 3 kleenex because I’m more of a squisher than a box thrower. The box could miss! Pizza wasn’t my last meal. How sad it that??

      Like

  5. G says:

    So, did you kill it? If not, there’s always fly paper 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. shubhada says:

    You are insane, captain. One whole post about a fly!! A fly! Wow, you inspire me sometimes. 😛

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Frederick says:

    Fear not, Paul! Reinforcements shall arrive very shortly!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Godspeed Paul, I hope you come out victorious in this epic battle!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. George says:

    I think you need to hide under your covers and wait out the arrack, at least until the reinforcements you called in for arrive. You did call for help, didn’t you?

    Liked by 2 people

  10. anxietybug88 says:

    Just remember: it could have been a bee. My room has some secret entrance for bees and they end up trying to kill me in my sleep. Waking up to that buzzing is terrifying. But depending on what kind of fly this is (if it’s one that bites or flies into your mouth), it could be just as dangerous. Maybe this fly is the carrier of the next disease that starts the zombie apocalypse. Only time will tell. Hope to hear you’ve made it through the night.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Well, fortunately I’ve made it through the night alive. It seems to have gotten away, though I’m sure it’ll come back to “finish the job”. At which point I’ll be ready.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Lea says:

    Read a book about flies. They are fascinating creatures. And for many many decades, they have helped scientists learn about the human body, its genes, genetics….of course those are fruit flies, not house flies, but….learn about the common house fly. Where did it originate in the paleontologic record? How did it get to Canada? Or is this an indiginous variety of housefly?
    Back in 1996, I got tired of being afraid of spiders, so I signed up for a summer field camp at San Francisco State University Extension. They have all of these great biology courses in the summer, 1 week long, where you sleep at nearly 7000 feet elevation in the Sierra Nevada, along the Yuba River, and you take courses with experts in spiders, or fungi, or flowers, or bats, or algae….You sleep in tent cabins, and all of your meals are cooked by this fantastic group of young people who do their best to make healthy and delicious meals…
    During the day, you go out and observe and collect spiders. Then, at night, back in the tent, you have to kill them with alcohol, so that you can observe them under the dissecting microscope. They are fascinating. You learn how to identify the different groups–wolf spiders are my favorites. Wolf Spiders have many many eyes, situated on opposite sides of their head. Their vision is probably the most remarkable of any known animal living today. I became very fond of wolf spiders and low and behold, I overcame my fear of spiders and now I talk to them, I let them keep the ant populations down (they are also good at killing flies!!).
    So, that is my suggestion. Learn to love the house fly, or at least, become fascinated with it. Talk to it. There is nothing to get anxious about. Lure it to something sweet, and trap it, then let it go outside.

    GOOD LUCK!!!!! Let me know how it goes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Yeah I’ll definitely be standing ready with some kleenex ready in my hand ready to strike haha. But a get-together with spiders and house flies sure sounds unique..

      Like

  12. Had a Facebook Friend post the other night (complete with photos) about the Huntsman spider If you have not heard of them, please Google it) that crawled across her face. Maybe her spider could eat your fly!
    Love your account of last night’s adventure!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. funsized1988 says:

    I hope you survived! Life is just difficult for you right now 😳 first the balloon incident now this fly is after you. When will it ever end?!!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Little Rants says:

    *Gets a ladder and pats you on the head.*

    Well done Paul! You read EIGHT BOOKS SINCE JANUARY!

    Also, that fly is gonna come back. As a dragon(fly) in a Death Eater mask. This time it’ll be armed with the Elder wand.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. I can one up you. I just “gracefully” left my room because a wasp has taken it over. So I went into my living room and a BUMLEBEE just nailed me in the chest. So I ran outside to my porch and a nutso robin just nose-dived a BLACK butterfly. Currently hiding out in my sister’s room since nature is obviously trying to kill me. This is what you get for accepting roses from a nun…

    Liked by 3 people

  16. Mindy says:

    I hope you make it through the night. Bless your brave heart- I mean soul.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Squidtea says:

    Congrats on reading those books! I have an (ir)rational fear of buzzing things after getting a bee stuck in my hair, so when I have a mosquito/fly in my room I just hide under the blanket so I don’t hear it. Then in the morning’s light I usually try to hunt it down. I’m glad you survived the night!

    Liked by 2 people

  18. rebecak says:

    Loooooove this!!!! Especially since it happens to me ALL. THE. TIME!! They love to disappear when you turn on all the lights and then magically reappear when you turn them on and the only light left is that of your phone/computer screen. I’ve given up on the quest to not smash them on my phone just so I can vanquish them from the premises!! Hope you make it through the night unscathed!!

    Liked by 2 people

  19. hmekeel says:

    Omg that paperclip. I can’t stop thinking about how annoying that was.
    “It’s probably killing time on it’s mobile phone right now – The iFly. Well guess what, I’m spending time on my iSpy. I don’t know what that means.” Hahaha I love your italicized asides. They make me laugh even more!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. belle0406 says:

    So, basically this was fantastic. Thank you for sharing the struggle that is being in combat with an insect invader. Oh, and congrats on the book reading! You’ve got me beat by a margin I refuse to admit.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Thank you very much. I’m glad you liked my insect antics! If it makes you feel better, I read one book all of last year.

      Like

      • belle0406 says:

        Well, I like both your antics as well as your wit-filled writing style. All welcome things. And it’s been a very off year, reading wise. Never fear, I’ll turn it around.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. Barb Knowles says:

    Awesome! I’m sure everyone can relate. I like your 4th of July reference. If you made a similar one for Canadian readers, I would have thought, “huh?” And the paperclip line…But I would replace it with the über-annoying WordPress “Howdy!” You hit the nail on the head. For me, settling into bed, with my kindle and lights off, under attack by the flying creatures of light-addiction.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. brockadcock says:

    In some countries they eat flies.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Pingback: Under Attack: Round 2 | The Captain's Speech

  24. “normal”…. nothing Not normal about it. *shifty eyes* lol.. this would explain part 2 though. My goodness I missed alot.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Rea says:

    I was reading this post and a fly about attacked me……….coincidence? I THINK NOT! (Yes I know this post was published in 2015 and it’s 2017. I don’t care. If I want to comment on an old post, I’ma gonna comment on an old post. Deal with it.)

    Liked by 1 person

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