Me vs. Balloon

When I think of life skills, I think of heating up pizza in the microwave until it tastes brand new. That is a life skill. I think of walking behind slow walkers and cutting my strides in half so I don’t step on their feet. That is a life skill.

Tying a balloon is not a life skill. It is a superpower.

It is a superpower I do not possess, sadly. Fortunately, I can fly and shoot spider webs from my wrists.

I’ve said too much.

Yesterday, I was given the task of blowing up balloons using a helium tank. The tank had enough helium to blow up 50 balloons, or maybe it was 500. I can’t remember. It might as well have been 5000.

One person demonstrated how to use the helium tank, tied the balloon, and put a string on it. Okay, simple enough. I got this. I can take over. I’m a big kid now.

*Pulls up diaper*

I blew up the first balloon, held it by the neck so the helium wouldn’t break free, and then I tried to tie it. And I tried some more. And some more. Then I realized I had no idea how to tie a balloon.

I thought back to a time in my life that I had blown up a balloon and had tied it on my own. Guess what? I COULDN’T RECALL ANY MEMORY OF DOING SO.

I think it’s safe to say that I have never tied a balloon before. I remember as a kid it was hard enough blowing them up. Then when I finally put some air in them, I’d just hand them off to an adult to tie up.

Tying balloons is what adults do. It’s also what clowns do. So, there’s that.

It took me 10 minutes to tie one balloon. My fingers kept getting in the way! I’ve never wanted only six fingers so much in my life.

Feeling confident, and stupid, I blew up another balloon. I struggled to tie that one as well.

Now, I know how to tie a knot. Just not when I have all my fingers surrounding a tiny piece of a balloon. Too many chefs in the kitchen syndrome going on here.

Did someone say kitchen? My Paulo’s Kitchen blog series has been renewed for another post. Be on the lookout for it in a Reader near you!

We now return you to: “Balloons: The Mighty Struggle”

Someone walked by and I asked them to tie the balloon. They did it in three seconds. God, is that you?

Three balloons were blown up and attached to strings. The first one, which someone else did. The second one, which took me 10 minutes. And the third one, which was a tag team effort.

I was an embarrassment.

On my watch, two balloons were blown up and tied in about twenty-five minutes. I think I deserve some kind of award for that.

I went home and cried in my pillow. (You can guess whether I’m joking or not.)

Then I spent ten minutes on YouTube watching “How To Tie A Balloon” tutorials. After the ten minutes, I still had no clue, but I didn’t want to continue watching some cocky balloon tying individuals rub it in my face.

There must be an easier way to tie balloons than what people have been doing for the entire existence of balloons.

Instead of a knot, can we use velcro? It works for running shoes.

They don’t teach you how to tie a balloon in school. Maybe they should. I’ve been saying it for years. There should be a “Life” class at school.

One where they teach you how to do adult things, such as: tying balloons, anything dealing with the bank, how to fill out confusing government forms, and how to always have a refrigerator with food in it.

Balloons have a very limited purpose in life. They’re like bubble wrap – fun to look at until they pop.

I can’t tie a balloon. I also can’t swim. Strange combination, right?

I just hope I never find myself in an ocean with a pack of fifty balloons to blow up. I would literally be lost at sea.

The End.

If you can’t tie a balloon either, I’m having a No Balloon Party and you’re now invited.