Me vs. Balloon

When I think of life skills, I think of heating up pizza in the microwave until it tastes brand new. That is a life skill. I think of walking behind slow walkers and cutting my strides in half so I don’t step on their feet. That is a life skill.

Tying a balloon is not a life skill. It is a superpower.

It is a superpower I do not possess, sadly. Fortunately, I can fly and shoot spider webs from my wrists.

I’ve said too much.

Yesterday, I was given the task of blowing up balloons using a helium tank. The tank had enough helium to blow up 50 balloons, or maybe it was 500. I can’t remember. It might as well have been 5000.

One person demonstrated how to use the helium tank, tied the balloon, and put a string on it. Okay, simple enough. I got this. I can take over. I’m a big kid now.

*Pulls up diaper*

I blew up the first balloon, held it by the neck so the helium wouldn’t break free, and then I tried to tie it. And I tried some more. And some more. Then I realized I had no idea how to tie a balloon.

I thought back to a time in my life that I had blown up a balloon and had tied it on my own. Guess what? I COULDN’T RECALL ANY MEMORY OF DOING SO.

I think it’s safe to say that I have never tied a balloon before. I remember as a kid it was hard enough blowing them up. Then when I finally put some air in them, I’d just hand them off to an adult to tie up.

Tying balloons is what adults do. It’s also what clowns do. So, there’s that.

It took me 10 minutes to tie one balloon. My fingers kept getting in the way! I’ve never wanted only six fingers so much in my life.

Feeling confident, and stupid, I blew up another balloon. I struggled to tie that one as well.

Now, I know how to tie a knot. Just not when I have all my fingers surrounding a tiny piece of a balloon. Too many chefs in the kitchen syndrome going on here.

Did someone say kitchen? My Paulo’s Kitchen blog series has been renewed for another post. Be on the lookout for it in a Reader near you!

We now return you to: “Balloons: The Mighty Struggle”

Someone walked by and I asked them to tie the balloon. They did it in three seconds. God, is that you?

Three balloons were blown up and attached to strings. The first one, which someone else did. The second one, which took me 10 minutes. And the third one, which was a tag team effort.

I was an embarrassment.

On my watch, two balloons were blown up and tied in about twenty-five minutes. I think I deserve some kind of award for that.

I went home and cried in my pillow. (You can guess whether I’m joking or not.)

Then I spent ten minutes on YouTube watching “How To Tie A Balloon” tutorials. After the ten minutes, I still had no clue, but I didn’t want to continue watching some cocky balloon tying individuals rub it in my face.

There must be an easier way to tie balloons than what people have been doing for the entire existence of balloons.

Instead of a knot, can we use velcro? It works for running shoes.

They don’t teach you how to tie a balloon in school. Maybe they should. I’ve been saying it for years. There should be a “Life” class at school.

One where they teach you how to do adult things, such as: tying balloons, anything dealing with the bank, how to fill out confusing government forms, and how to always have a refrigerator with food in it.

Balloons have a very limited purpose in life. They’re like bubble wrap – fun to look at until they pop.

I can’t tie a balloon. I also can’t swim. Strange combination, right?

I just hope I never find myself in an ocean with a pack of fifty balloons to blow up. I would literally be lost at sea.

The End.

If you can’t tie a balloon either, I’m having a No Balloon Party and you’re now invited.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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80 Responses to Me vs. Balloon

  1. rebbit7 says:

    Same, I can’t tie balloons for the life of me. It doesn’t help that I have a massive fear of them popping in front of my face. Haha, great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JM Stories says:

    I gotta tell you, balloons terrify me. That you could touch one, let alone struggle to tie its squeaky, turgid neck, gets my praise.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. anxietybug88 says:

    I make a modest effort to tie balloons, and sometimes I succeed, but for the most part, they fly, fly away because I lose my grip on them while trying to tie them. Also, I was watching the Canadian Grand Prix today. I didn’t know you guys had a Grand Prix. The More You Know *rainbow hands*.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Right!? There is so much that can go wrong with balloons. Yeah I was watching the Grand Prix too! It’s nice to see Formula One make it Canada once a year.

      Liked by 1 person

      • anxietybug88 says:

        I was waiting for the crashes. There were no crashes. Does it make me a horrible person if I watch it just for the crashes? I used to do the same thing for Nascar. *hangs head*

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Many people watch just for the crashes. They add drama and entertainment, just as long as no one is injured.

        Liked by 1 person

      • anxietybug88 says:

        Oh, I’m also supposed to tell you that my mom thinks you’re hilarious. …..my mom reads your blog. I don’t know how many other moms read your blog, but mine does. You should possibly start a mom’s blog reading club for your blog. It could be big.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Wow! Thank your mom for me and tell her I say hi! Surprisingly, you’re not the first person who has told me that their mom reads my blog. This reading club could be a good idea.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. heymeghan91 says:

    Oh Paul. If you teach me how to master the pizza reheat I will teach you how to swin, befriend dogs, and tie balloons. Balloons are the best things ever!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Saehee Lee says:

    I didn’t realize until now. Wanna try it someday.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. markbialczak says:

    I can’t tie a balloon. Who needs stinking balloons, Paul? All they do is float up into the atmosphere and go their own way until some little boy 15 cities over finds it deflated on the ground and writes a letter to the address tied on the card attached and becomes a pen pal to the little girl who wrote her name and hopeful plea and set that balloon free and they talk their parents into driving them to the town 7 1/2 cities in the middle for pizza and they end up going to university together and get married and have a kid who becomes a doctor who discovers the cure of cancer. Who needs stinking balloons! I RSVP yes to your party. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. George says:

    You know why you had problems, don’t you? Because you made the sacriligious mistake of heating pizza in a microwave. This from someone who remembers to put Parmesan in their homemade soup..:)

    Liked by 2 people

  8. alaerembo says:

    I can’t swim either and guess what? I am from an island town in a state that has the Atlantic Ocean as its south border. I have been on various types of boats and vessels still I can’t swim *hides face*

    Liked by 2 people

  9. melodysgt says:

    Thank you for the laugh and the trip down memory lane. Try tieing a balloon with long fingernails. (no, not that long, just 3/4″) you think your fingers got stuck, baby, my nails proved for all time to my six-year-old “Mommy is blonde”. Thanks Paul 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Liz says:

    I could tie balloons once *sigh* and then I became a lady and started getting manicures. Fun fact: manicured nails are sharp. Balloons don’t get along with sharp objects so…trying to tie balloons now is a blast. (pun intended)

    Liked by 4 people

  11. Frederick says:

    I can tie balloons just fine. But who actually bothers when you can ‘accidentally’ release a flying, farting monster and just go ‘oops’.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. Liz says:

    I just caught your sarcasm, so I hope you thought I too, was being sarcastic. I’m terrible at being awake and observant, clearly.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Squidtea says:

    I learned how to tie a balloon from a tender age, mainly from watching my dad and mom blow up balloons for my birthday. My younger sister never got it until recently, so I always felt proud. I never could blow them up though, so I’d wait for someone to blow one up, then tie it for them. 🙂 But the learning process was hard, and there were many failures. I feel your clumsy finger pain…

    Liked by 1 person

  14. sltaylor1206 says:

    I cannot tie balloons either and they really scare me. I hate the popping noise. One time in elementary school, we had a big balloon popping fest in our gym class. The whole entire floor was filled with balloons. Most kids ran and immediately started popping them. Well, the gym made them sound so much louder than they would have been and I ended up hiding under the bleachers until a teacher freaked out over not seeing me. I explained I was afraid of the balloons and the popping and she gave me ice cream and let me sit outside hahaha.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. hmekeel says:

    I kept looking for the line about a muffin, but it wasn’t there. Oh, well! Also, you can’t swim? Please tell me you’ve at least experienced the wonderful luxury of a mediocre hotel hot tub!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      I knew I should’ve messaged you when I posted this to say the post about the muffin is still “in the works”. Actually, it’s been a work in progress for 2 weeks. Anyways, no I haven’t experienced a mediocre hotel hot tub…

      Liked by 1 person

      • hmekeel says:

        Ohhh okay! That’s fine. haha I was just hoping I didn’t steal your thunder. Aw man, you haven’t? Well, come to think of it, you’re probably just missing out on bacteria and low blood pressure.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Oh my favourite! You forgot: puzzling glances from old people nearby (picture the scene in Home Alone when Kevin uses the hotel pool). I’m gonna try to finish the muffin post in the next few hours, but no promises!

        Liked by 1 person

      • hmekeel says:

        Hahahah that is my favourite movie. Such a classic. Okay, cool! I’ll look for it! I’m hoping to post something too.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Little Rants says:

    I’m totally invited. And that diaper thing killed me.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. izza ifzaal says:

    Hehehe! You didn’t blew them with the help of helium tank? ..lol I blow them myself and many times they pop in front of my face n I have such a shrill voices that can’t wake the died from the wake 😀 😂😂😂

    I have an idea you can tie them with thread n Cmon! Stop whinning 😀 I can’t tie myself so thread rocks! !try n thanks for the invitation I am coming to the party! 😃😃😃😃😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Okay, I blew up the balloon with the helium tank because the balloons needed to float. Forget the string haha I’m just talking about tying up the balloon so it’s closed. Welcome to the party!

      Like

      • izza ifzaal says:

        You couldn’t even tie *pulls the trigger n shots herself * d ahhhh 😀
        Yayee partayyyyyy! ! 😂😂👧👧👧

        Like

  18. I can’t swim and nor do I know how to tie a balloon.. you are not alone!

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Barb Knowles says:

    I can’t tie balloons either, and jump as if I’ve been shot if they pop. Also, I didn’t learn how to swim until I was in college. And then only because it was a graduation requirement and my father wouldn’t let me transfer. That’s me…fear of water and balloons.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. paigetheresa says:

    I’M A SUPERHERO!!! I KNEW IT!

    Liked by 2 people

  21. You could’ve inhaled some helium to make yourself feel better! It does funny things to voices….

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Mindy says:

    I have to agree with George… key words are “that bad.” Also, who even has left over pizza? You have fresh pizza, and well, more fresh pizza because you finished all of the other pizza. I can tie many balloons, so I will help you out there!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. It’s only Paul, while I could tie balloons at then tender age of 7, I still cannot swim. Just know you aren’t alone. It’s a scary world out there lol. Especially if water is involved.

    Liked by 1 person

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