Future Global Phenomena

Ever wonder what global phenomena are going to suffocate our planet in the coming years? I’m not talking about fads that go away after a few days, like that black and blue dress debate. I’m talking about legitimate phenomena; things that are here to stay.

Like selfies.

Heaven help me.

Why do I feel like I just quoted a song? Hold on. Oh, fantastic. I quoted a Madonna song. That’s a first, and definitely last. This post is getting to the point of no return. Time to save it.

Let’s brainstorm, shall we? And by that, I mean: I’m going to list a bunch of phenomena I would like to see take over the world, you’ll agree with all of them in the comments section, and then provide your own. Sound good? Good.

1. Bag Of Signs While Driving

People don’t put on their signal. People cut you off. People honk their horn at you. People go through red lights. People go through stop signs. People try to steal your parking spot. People follow you too closely. People go way below the speed limit. People don’t know what a yield sign means.

People can’t drive, except for you, that is.

How do you currently combat bad drivers? Hand gestures, swearing, honking, holding a white towel out your window, and throwing grapes – the ones you were munching on – at the front windshield.

Those will be a thing of the past. Time to take the passive-aggressive approach.

I introduce to you: A bag of signs!

Oooooh a bag of signs.

These signs are large enough for other drivers to read, and small enough for you to keep on your passenger seat. Convenience is key. They also come in different languages, just in case.

What do they say? Glad you asked!

“Open your eyes and don’t blink!” Helpful tip.

“I find your driving skills highly inadequate!” That’ll show them.

“Pull over and eat your pizza slice in peace!” Rule #1 to life.

“You send more mixed signals than the opposite sex!” This one’s a real thinker.

These are just some of the signs you can get for the low price of FREE. All of these signs are right at your disposal. They can be customized, too! Just pick them up and hold them out your window. Let’s make it happen!

2. Red Cards and Yellow Cards

You know what I like about soccer? The way the referee hands out penalties. If a player was too rough, the referee stands beside them, stares into their soul, and holds up a yellow card in front of their face. How insulting is that!? I love it.

Just hold a card in front of someone. You did wrong.

Or if they’re being ejected from the game, the referee holds up a red card.

I think we need to adopt this in real life.

Someone doesn’t hold a door for you? YELLOW CARD.

Someone doesn’t wash their hands after going to the washroom? RED CARD.

Someone’s talking behind you in class about last night’s episode of (insert show here), and you haven’t seen it yet because you were planning to watch it later that night? RED CARD.

And so on, and so forth. It helps keep people in line, while giving everyone the power to stop stupidity dead in its tracks.

Basically, we’re fixing the world. One coloured card at a time.

3.  Food Face

This is more of a phenomnomnom.

I’m not talking about taking pictures of your food. I’m not talking about taking pictures of yourself sitting next to your meal, which – by the way – is getting cold while you fake a smile at the camera.

No, no, no.

I’m talking about chewing your food and having someone take a picture of your face while your chomping away. Then you put it on social media, naturally.

We can call it: Food Face

And before you say, “Oh that’s gross! I don’t want to see people eating.” What do you think every meal, everywhere, is? It’s people watching other people eat!

There is nothing delicate about eating. We put food in our mouth and then crush it with our teeth. It’s like a demolition derby in there.

The Food Face is a better representation of what eating is. The process of eating has been portrayed as dainty for far too long. We all gets sauce on our face. We all drop something on ourselves. We are all a mess when food is involved. Let’s be proud of it.

Let’s take a picture of ourselves while food is in our mouth and put our stuffed faces on social media. Everyone will look repulsive (and funny), thus everyone will be equal. No ones Food Face will look better than anyone else’s.

Forget the duck face, the Food Face is coming.

4. Five Thank You’s

I’m on a constant quest to turn people into nicer human beings. And by “constant quest”, I mean I just thought of this 34 seconds ago.

In a nutshell, this phenomenon is a challenge to every single person. Every single day, aim to hear the words “Thank You” directed your way, five times.

How do you do this? By simply being nice to other people. By holding a door open. By helping something with their groceries. By saving a cat in a tree (Yes, the cat will thank you). By complimenting someone. By catching someone before they fall.

Basically, do (at least) five things every day that would be for the benefit of someone else. Also, hand out some thank you’s, yourself. It’ll magically turn you into a grateful human being.

And if you don’t get a “thank you” from a person you helped, don’t you dare get mad at them. We don’t live in that whiny world anymore. This is future global phenomena, remember?

Perhaps I’m being too idealistic.

Those are my four ideas for future global phenomena. None of them will happen, but if they do, you heard it here first!