Future Global Phenomena

Ever wonder what global phenomena are going to suffocate our planet in the coming years? I’m not talking about fads that go away after a few days, like that black and blue dress debate. I’m talking about legitimate phenomena; things that are here to stay.

Like selfies.

Heaven help me.

Why do I feel like I just quoted a song? Hold on. Oh, fantastic. I quoted a Madonna song. That’s a first, and definitely last. This post is getting to the point of no return. Time to save it.

Let’s brainstorm, shall we? And by that, I mean: I’m going to list a bunch of phenomena I would like to see take over the world, you’ll agree with all of them in the comments section, and then provide your own. Sound good? Good.

1. Bag Of Signs While Driving

People don’t put on their signal. People cut you off. People honk their horn at you. People go through red lights. People go through stop signs. People try to steal your parking spot. People follow you too closely. People go way below the speed limit. People don’t know what a yield sign means.

People can’t drive, except for you, that is.

How do you currently combat bad drivers? Hand gestures, swearing, honking, holding a white towel out your window, and throwing grapes – the ones you were munching on – at the front windshield.

Those will be a thing of the past. Time to take the passive-aggressive approach.

I introduce to you: A bag of signs!

Oooooh a bag of signs.

These signs are large enough for other drivers to read, and small enough for you to keep on your passenger seat. Convenience is key. They also come in different languages, just in case.

What do they say? Glad you asked!

“Open your eyes and don’t blink!” Helpful tip.

“I find your driving skills highly inadequate!” That’ll show them.

“Pull over and eat your pizza slice in peace!” Rule #1 to life.

“You send more mixed signals than the opposite sex!” This one’s a real thinker.

These are just some of the signs you can get for the low price of FREE. All of these signs are right at your disposal. They can be customized, too! Just pick them up and hold them out your window. Let’s make it happen!

2. Red Cards and Yellow Cards

You know what I like about soccer? The way the referee hands out penalties. If a player was too rough, the referee stands beside them, stares into their soul, and holds up a yellow card in front of their face. How insulting is that!? I love it.

Just hold a card in front of someone. You did wrong.

Or if they’re being ejected from the game, the referee holds up a red card.

I think we need to adopt this in real life.

Someone doesn’t hold a door for you? YELLOW CARD.

Someone doesn’t wash their hands after going to the washroom? RED CARD.

Someone’s talking behind you in class about last night’s episode of (insert show here), and you haven’t seen it yet because you were planning to watch it later that night? RED CARD.

And so on, and so forth. It helps keep people in line, while giving everyone the power to stop stupidity dead in its tracks.

Basically, we’re fixing the world. One coloured card at a time.

3.  Food Face

This is more of a phenomnomnom.

I’m not talking about taking pictures of your food. I’m not talking about taking pictures of yourself sitting next to your meal, which – by the way – is getting cold while you fake a smile at the camera.

No, no, no.

I’m talking about chewing your food and having someone take a picture of your face while your chomping away. Then you put it on social media, naturally.

We can call it: Food Face

And before you say, “Oh that’s gross! I don’t want to see people eating.” What do you think every meal, everywhere, is? It’s people watching other people eat!

There is nothing delicate about eating. We put food in our mouth and then crush it with our teeth. It’s like a demolition derby in there.

The Food Face is a better representation of what eating is. The process of eating has been portrayed as dainty for far too long. We all gets sauce on our face. We all drop something on ourselves. We are all a mess when food is involved. Let’s be proud of it.

Let’s take a picture of ourselves while food is in our mouth and put our stuffed faces on social media. Everyone will look repulsive (and funny), thus everyone will be equal. No ones Food Face will look better than anyone else’s.

Forget the duck face, the Food Face is coming.

4. Five Thank You’s

I’m on a constant quest to turn people into nicer human beings. And by “constant quest”, I mean I just thought of this 34 seconds ago.

In a nutshell, this phenomenon is a challenge to every single person. Every single day, aim to hear the words “Thank You” directed your way, five times.

How do you do this? By simply being nice to other people. By holding a door open. By helping something with their groceries. By saving a cat in a tree (Yes, the cat will thank you). By complimenting someone. By catching someone before they fall.

Basically, do (at least) five things every day that would be for the benefit of someone else. Also, hand out some thank you’s, yourself. It’ll magically turn you into a grateful human being.

And if you don’t get a “thank you” from a person you helped, don’t you dare get mad at them. We don’t live in that whiny world anymore. This is future global phenomena, remember?

Perhaps I’m being too idealistic.

Those are my four ideas for future global phenomena. None of them will happen, but if they do, you heard it here first!

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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47 Responses to Future Global Phenomena

  1. deepbluesandseafoamgreens says:

    Yup. Loving the red/yellow card system. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Frederick says:

    FOOD FACES. GENIUS!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. James says:

    Red cards are usually accompanied by a 3 match ban.Could this be introduced into your system? Because if it could then I’m definitely in…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. anxietybug88 says:

    It’s like… 5 am here, and for some reason, I checked my Reader and saw this post. As soon as I saw the bit about the bag of signs, I knew I had to get up and comment (don’t worry, I read the whole post haha). I HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS IDEA TOO AND IT’S WONDERFUL. Although my signs would be less polite, despite my Minnesota nice. My signs would be “LEARN TO DRIVE, YOU JERK!” or “GET OFF MY BACK!” when someone is tailgating my bumper. I’m also fond of “GET OFF YOUR PHONE. THIS ISN’T A TELEPHONE BOOTH!” Also, every time I watch football/soccer, I’m going to laugh every time the referee “stares into their soul” and puts a card in their face. Sorry, this comment is getting rather long. Better wrap up. I’ve already implemented thank yous into my daily routine, so don’t worry! My offensive driving signs are made up for by my general politeness. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Fortunately, the signs are customizable! So you can use those phrases. Haha I think that’s the best part of soccer. They don’t really tell the player what’s going to happen, they just stare deeply into them and hold up a card. Thanks for waking up and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. grammyg53 says:

    “you’ll agree with all of them in the comments section,” this part confuses me…

    BUT… I love the “thank you” part. Genius. Lovely. Heart warming. Wonderful. Thank you!!!

    Now… something I like to do. SMILE. Smile at everybody! Wave at those passing by! Just be nice… (I think somebody has already used that phrase but I’m stealing it for right now.) because Life Is Good!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hahahahhaha, the card system has me laughing for the past 5 minutes.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. markbialczak says:

    Thank you for your ideas, Paul. You’re down to four today.

    I am a little worried that the driving signs are a bit self-defeating, though. Look down for the proper sign. Crash. Or if you get through that distraction, stretch out to make sure your words are seen. Swerve into the path of an 18-wheeler. Get my drift?

    Liked by 3 people

    • Paul says:

      I thought the same thing while I was writing. Perhaps there is a safer way to go about holding up signs for people to read. Perhaps there will be a ticker across the top of everyone’s windshield that will scroll through messages (kinda like what buses have).

      Like

  8. Squidtea says:

    I’ve wanted to use colored ref cards on people for so long!!!! And the 5 thank-yous a day is a great idea!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. rebbit7 says:

    Haha, such quotable lines!
    “You send more mixed signals than the opposite sex!”
    For “Food Face:” “This is more of a phenomnomnom.”

    And yes, I do agree that these “phenomena” will one day ruin us as a society, if not the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Little Rants says:

    What about online dating? Online wedding? Online babies? Online divorces?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Little Rants says:

    And here. 🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕 for the phenonenomnomnom

    Liked by 1 person

  12. moxieluster says:

    I laughed through out this whole post, so many hilarious lines thrown in there to keep a smile on my face. I actually have a bit of road rage when it comes to driving, so if I have a passenger with me, we may be using these signs soon. It’ll be fun!! As long as who ever I do it to doesn’t have road rage too and kills me….

    Along with the sign thing, I’ve always wondered why cars didn’t come equipped with a speaker box on top plugged into something like a cb radio so you can just yell at the fool who almost hit you while trying to merge into your lane…just saying.. it feels good to yell sometimes.

    Also, this is more of a female thing, and maybe it isn’t exactly proper lady language as they say, but why in the hell is feminine product wrappers still so noisy!? It sounds like you’re trying to open a bag of sun chips in the bathroom stall..it’s embarrassing. In the future I demand quiet packaging..

    Sorry to ramble and go off on a tangent, hahaha. :3

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I’m all for long rants in the comments section.
      Cars do need a speaker box on top! Though I think everyone would abuse it all the time. Especially to scream out Happy Looney June haha. I commented earlier that cars should have tickers on the front of the windshield like buses do, so then we could type out a message for everyone to see.
      As for your female products paragraph…it kinda all went over my head haha, but that does sound noisy!

      Liked by 1 person

      • moxieluster says:

        The marquee message scroll idea could be fun!! Hahaha if not obscene at times.. “Hey nice butt. ” I can see people having that scrolling around here..haha.

        Well, you are a male so it is okay it went over your heard. Its a struggle.. what’s that saying .. oh yes.. #thestuggleisreal.. or maybe it’s #thestruggle.. I can’t remember but yes..

        Almost time for Looney June!!! Exciting. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        Haha oh the immaturity level of society would go through the roof! Literally. I’m pretty sure the kids say #thestruggleisreal but could be wrong. LESS THAN 24 HOURS UNTIL JUNE 1

        Liked by 1 person

      • moxieluster says:

        I admit.. I am immature at times. Its so much fun! Cant be serious all the time. 😉

        Pizza for the celebration.. and beer. Pizza and beer! Yaaaaay!!

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Barb Knowles says:

    Food face? Awesome. Listening for thank yous? Sounds very Canadian. Great post, as usual. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  14. hmekeel says:

    “phenomnomnom” hahaha brilliant ideas!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. heymeghan91 says:

    I support all of these ideas 210%. I need to go dig through my closet at my parents house and find my old soccer referee stuff. I’ll wear my shirt and carry my cards around with me at all times now. I’ve actually contemplated throwing red cards in people’s faces when they are being buffoons

    Liked by 1 person

  16. paigetheresa says:

    LOVE the idea of the cards. Someone doesn’t say thank you when you hold open the door, YELLOW CARD! Right in their face. Awesome. My mom and I have often talked about making a digital sign that goes on the top of your car and you talk into a microphone to type out a message. “Nice signal, ass!” “Hey Honda, Get bent!” etc.

    Liked by 1 person

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