iDon’t Care About Your Phone

What kind of phone do you have? Why do people ask this question? Someone explain it to me. Why are people so fascinated with other people’s handheld devices? If they’re in the market for a new phone, fine, go ahead and ask. However, I don’t understand why people ask out of curiosity.

I don’t have the mind of a reporter, so I’ve never had the urge to ask someone what kind of phone they have. Why? Because this is how that conversation would go.

Me: Hey, what kind of phone do you have?
Friend: I have an iPhone/BlackBerry/Android/Two cups connected by a string!
Me: So, do you like pizza?
Friend: Let me tell you about all the special features on my phone!
Me: You’re right, that was a silly question. Everyone likes pizza.
Friend: I get unlimited data, texts, and I can take pictures of my face!
Me: I just ordered a pizza.
Friend: Do you have this app?
Me: I. Ordered. A. Pizza.
Friend: I’m eligible for an upgrade in six months!
Me: Pizza.
Friend: I might wait longer than the six months though.
Me: PIZZA.

So that’s why I don’t ask people what kind of phone they have. Because when they tell me, I wouldn’t even try and act like I care.

Side note: What makes an android an android? Why’s it called an android? Why do I think it’s the younger brother of asteroid?

What I also don’t understand is why people tell me all about their phone plan, capabilities, and how it is so much better than mine. Alright, go get a job in sales.

Double side note: I may be wrong, but I feel as though every smartphone in the world does the same thing.

I have no idea what phones are out there. I simply don’t care. I see other people with phones that have big screens and think to myself, “Wow, that’s a big screen. I wonder how it fits in their pocket.” I never think, “Hmm, I wonder who makes that.”

I’ve had three cell phones in my life. The first one was a flip phone with an antenna. Then it died. RIP Flippy.

So I caved and followed society by getting a BlackBerry. It was cool. I loved it. And then its contract was coming to an end.  This is when I started to panic. And by panic, I mean I kept looking at my thumbs and wondered how they would react if I got a phone without buttons. I was worried. My thumbs were ready to revolt.

For the three years I had my BlackBerry, I had no idea what other phones were out there. I didn’t care. Some friends would get a new BlackBerry every two months (we all have that friend) and I wondered why. They got a new phone as frequently as they got a haircut. Did they drop it in the toilet that often? Go buy some rice. I hear that helps. Toilet paper doesn’t.

I looked at the new BlackBerry phones at the time and wasn’t impressed. I got an iPhone in January 2014.

I was instantly diagnosed with chubby fingers syndrome and my thumbs aren’t even chubby! I had to create what seemed like twenty different passwords. Life is all about memorization apparently.

Everything has a password these days. I fear the day where I have to enter a password just to open the fridge. That probably already exists, but I’m going to live in denial.

I immediately downloaded Facebook and Twitter because what kind of millennial would I be if I didn’t do that? Then I signed up for Instagram. And then Snapchat because “OMG you gotta get Snapchat!”

Snapchat lasted on my phone for a few months before I deleted it. I didn’t find it that interesting. You send people pictures, that delete themselves in ten seconds or less. And no real conversation is ever had. It’s the technological equivalent of waving to your neighbour as you drive by them.

One app I downloaded early on was Angry Birds. I had heard so much about it and how fun it was. I deleted it off my phone within 24 hours. Man, people have weird interests. That game kept you hooked for hours? Oh boy. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but for no longer than ten minutes at a time.

I’m sure I’ve offended a lot of people by this point of my post. I’ll keep going.

Outside of social media accounts on my phone, I don’t have any apps. None of them interest me. They all seem like a waste of time and data. Yeah, I’m an old man.

I’ve been told many times to download a specific app. So I do, and once again it’s deleted off my phone the very same day. I don’t know, they don’t appeal to me. Sorry, I guess I’m a demographics outlier.

And now to talk about updates. I’ve been waiting for this. To sum it up, this is what updates say to you every time their notification icon pops up.

“Hey you with the opposable thumbs, download this update to update the update you just updated because that update didn’t update properly. Thanks for downloading this update, we’ll be back in a week to tell you to once again (everyone say it with me) download this update to update the update you just updated because that update didn’t update properly.”

Holy cannoli. So many updates. Almost as many updates as passwords. Almost. Hey, why don’t you just get it right the first time!?

Cell phones: can’t live with them, can’t take pictures of yourself without them.

And no, iDon’t wasn’t a typo in the title.