iDon’t Care About Your Phone

What kind of phone do you have? Why do people ask this question? Someone explain it to me. Why are people so fascinated with other people’s handheld devices? If they’re in the market for a new phone, fine, go ahead and ask. However, I don’t understand why people ask out of curiosity.

I don’t have the mind of a reporter, so I’ve never had the urge to ask someone what kind of phone they have. Why? Because this is how that conversation would go.

Me: Hey, what kind of phone do you have?
Friend: I have an iPhone/BlackBerry/Android/Two cups connected by a string!
Me: So, do you like pizza?
Friend: Let me tell you about all the special features on my phone!
Me: You’re right, that was a silly question. Everyone likes pizza.
Friend: I get unlimited data, texts, and I can take pictures of my face!
Me: I just ordered a pizza.
Friend: Do you have this app?
Me: I. Ordered. A. Pizza.
Friend: I’m eligible for an upgrade in six months!
Me: Pizza.
Friend: I might wait longer than the six months though.
Me: PIZZA.

So that’s why I don’t ask people what kind of phone they have. Because when they tell me, I wouldn’t even try and act like I care.

Side note: What makes an android an android? Why’s it called an android? Why do I think it’s the younger brother of asteroid?

What I also don’t understand is why people tell me all about their phone plan, capabilities, and how it is so much better than mine. Alright, go get a job in sales.

Double side note: I may be wrong, but I feel as though every smartphone in the world does the same thing.

I have no idea what phones are out there. I simply don’t care. I see other people with phones that have big screens and think to myself, “Wow, that’s a big screen. I wonder how it fits in their pocket.” I never think, “Hmm, I wonder who makes that.”

I’ve had three cell phones in my life. The first one was a flip phone with an antenna. Then it died. RIP Flippy.

So I caved and followed society by getting a BlackBerry. It was cool. I loved it. And then its contract was coming to an end.  This is when I started to panic. And by panic, I mean I kept looking at my thumbs and wondered how they would react if I got a phone without buttons. I was worried. My thumbs were ready to revolt.

For the three years I had my BlackBerry, I had no idea what other phones were out there. I didn’t care. Some friends would get a new BlackBerry every two months (we all have that friend) and I wondered why. They got a new phone as frequently as they got a haircut. Did they drop it in the toilet that often? Go buy some rice. I hear that helps. Toilet paper doesn’t.

I looked at the new BlackBerry phones at the time and wasn’t impressed. I got an iPhone in January 2014.

I was instantly diagnosed with chubby fingers syndrome and my thumbs aren’t even chubby! I had to create what seemed like twenty different passwords. Life is all about memorization apparently.

Everything has a password these days. I fear the day where I have to enter a password just to open the fridge. That probably already exists, but I’m going to live in denial.

I immediately downloaded Facebook and Twitter because what kind of millennial would I be if I didn’t do that? Then I signed up for Instagram. And then Snapchat because “OMG you gotta get Snapchat!

Snapchat lasted on my phone for a few months before I deleted it. I didn’t find it that interesting. You send people pictures, that delete themselves in ten seconds or less. And no real conversation is ever had. It’s the technological equivalent of waving to your neighbour as you drive by them.

One app I downloaded early on was Angry Birds. I had heard so much about it and how fun it was. I deleted it off my phone within 24 hours. Man, people have weird interests. That game kept you hooked for hours? Oh boy. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but for no longer than ten minutes at a time.

I’m sure I’ve offended a lot of people by this point of my post. I’ll keep going.

Outside of social media accounts on my phone, I don’t have any apps. None of them interest me. They all seem like a waste of time and data. Yeah, I’m an old man.

I’ve been told many times to download a specific app. So I do, and once again it’s deleted off my phone the very same day. I don’t know, they don’t appeal to me. Sorry, I guess I’m a demographics outlier.

And now to talk about updates. I’ve been waiting for this. To sum it up, this is what updates say to you every time their notification icon pops up.

“Hey you with the opposable thumbs, download this update to update the update you just updated because that update didn’t update properly. Thanks for downloading this update, we’ll be back in a week to tell you to once again (everyone say it with me) download this update to update the update you just updated because that update didn’t update properly.”

Holy cannoli. So many updates. Almost as many updates as passwords. Almost. Hey, why don’t you just get it right the first time!?

Cell phones: can’t live with them, can’t take pictures of yourself without them.

And no, iDon’t wasn’t a typo in the title.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

73 Responses to iDon’t Care About Your Phone

  1. shubhada says:

    Hahahah, this post is so relatable! :’D
    There are so many phone obsessed people out there, it makes me sick.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. shubhada says:

    Hahaha. I would have gotten 68 notifications then. :O Glad you can’t like it 68 times.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. markbialczak says:

    I love my phone, but I’m only worried about my phone, Paul. I read about your phone out of courtesy. Hey, i have an iPad with a bluetooth keyboard linked to my phone, so when I’m at home, my texts also come right here, so I can use the rest of my fingers as well as my thumbs! But you probably don’t care about that, so here we are.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. nakedshade says:

    Haha i love this post. It makes my day. I have a fren who changes phone all the time and would ask me when wil i change my phone too.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Little Rants says:

    Thank YOU for posting this! Like, seriously. Phone app wars.

    Btw. I got this app called Noom Coach and now I’m addicted to it and I’ve turned into a freaky eater. Help.

    Also, the WordPress app sucks bananas. Half the time I don’t even get notifications!!!!! 😾😾

    Liked by 1 person

  6. After reading this Paul it’s official, I’m going back to two cans and a string. Or if you will… an iCan.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Barb Knowles says:

    Great! I went from blackberry to android (I called it R2D2 and asteroid but I loved that) and worried that my fingers wouldn’t curve anymore. But by even commenting I’m showing interest in my own old phones. Geesh. The iCan comment was a good one. As to apps, I have some that I love, like the music apps. But the iPhone comes with so many that you can’t delete but I will never use in a million years. It is impossible to delete them. Impossible.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. DoesItEvenMatterWhoIAm? says:

    Oy, I just had to get a LANDLINE for the first time in my adult life (as in it is my own number, not my parent’s) because we moved to an area that legit has such shitty cell coverage that I worry about my access to 911 (Police, Ambulance, Fire) services in an emergency. Fucking pathetic. I live in Oregon, in the USA, but it evidently is too “uncool” to have adequate cell coverage for my very central (THE F-ING STATE CAPITOL) city? Shaking my damn head… I just want a phone that WORKS. Currently carrying the Samsung Galaxy S5 with Verizon. Just want to make calls with it…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      See now these are the kind of phone discussions I like! Geeze Oregon, get it together! That’s actually nuts. Like if you or someone around you had to call 911 but couldn’t get service…oh man. The old rotary telephones never seemed to fail anyone and our generation got rid of them.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Blunderdad says:

    I got an iPhone 5 when I upgraded last year. My buddy had a hand me down iPhone 4, so I would tease him all the time, telling him I was embarrassed to be seen with him and his antique phone.

    Last month he got an iPhone 5 hand me down, and I smashed my iPhone 5 and had to activate an old iPhone 4……. Phone karma.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      That’s definitely phone karma. I guess it’s a lesson that we have to choose our words more wisely when we’re around our phones…they can hear us and conspire against us.

      Like

  10. This was great. However, I am a frequent user of snapchat. Since people are so phone oriented these days I feel like I can get a glimpse of what talking to them in the real world feels like. 😉 hahahaha isn’t that sad. Oh well. But I also like to draw pictures, and snapchat allows you to draw funny mustaches on your friends.

    Like

    • Paul says:

      I see pictures of nice snapchat drawings on the Internet and think those are cool! It shows someone actually put some effort into snapchat, unfortunately I’m not artistic enough to pull them off.

      Like

  11. preetixd says:

    HAHAAHAHAHA!:P I related with it so well! Especially snapchat!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Love this post, and your writing…so much so that I have nominated you for the Liebster Award – you officially get to answer a bunch of questions and do a lot of copying and pasting. – But seriously, love your work

    https://thegirlwhocantsitstill.wordpress.com/2015/05/15/im-a-winner-i-think/

    Liked by 1 person

  13. amorefado says:

    This post made me cackle at my desk HAHAHAHA so relate-able. GREAT read!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. haha this post is hilarious! it’s funny how in this generation everyone is expected to like smart phones just because. while I do enjoy angry birds, once I beat all the levels it kind of lost it’s charm. And I have snap chat but I don’t always check it because I get too busy and it’s not that interesting, like you said.

    I miss my beautiful little white phone with a full keyboard and buttons that fit in my pocket and NEVER had autocorrect because the buttons you hit were the ones you were supposed to press!

    I did just figure out how to switch siri to spanish and I find it hilarious. but yes, just another waste of time… talking to siri in spanish for hours, that is my life. lol

    Liked by 1 person

  15. LOVED this post! I’ve always been a late adopter of technology, despite working in communications. As we’ve talked about before, I had a flip phone until only 11 months ago. #soproud

    Liked by 1 person

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