Doorbell Etiquette

Trust me when I tell you that this post is extremely important. I am not kidding. Most of the time I am here to entertain; today I am here to educate. So grab a pencil, some paper, and an eraser for when you inevitably make a mistake, and take some notes. You will thank me later (probably not).

Show of hands, who here has ever had a stranger come to their door trying to sell them something? To paint the picture, they could have a clipboard, a partner, and a groggy look on their face.

Wow, that’s a lot of hands. I’m glad everyone showered today.

Alright so here’s the thing, the moment that door-to-door salesman/snoop puts one foot on your driveway, you already hate their guts. Or maybe that’s just me.

Sorry, but if I needed to buy something, I would leave the house and go get it. Don’t come to my door and try to sell me something I didn’t think I needed before you entered my life.

Unless you’re delivering food that I ordered, I probably don’t want to talk to you. If you are delivering food, I’m standing at my window jumping up and down the second you pull into the driveway. Then, when it takes you forever to get out of the car, I make sure to say “Geeze, how long does it take to get out of a car!?” whether someone is around me or not. By the time you reach the front door, I already have it open. 

Back to the salespeople and snoops. My problem is they don’t know proper etiquette when they reach the front door.

Surely they know that people don’t want to talk to them, right? They get rejected more than that guy at the bar.

This next part is important.

When you approach someone’s front door, you look for a doorbell to ring. Am I wrong? Someone tell me I’m wrong. I dare you. Unless there is a sign that says, “Do not ring the doorbell”, you ring the doorbell! And you ring it once!

I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but this is how you ring a doorbell.

Step 1: Locate your index finger (doesn’t matter which hand).
Step 2: Locate the doorbell.
Step 3: Use your finger-eye coordination to place the top of your finger on the doorbell.
Step 4: Press it and hold for about 0.5 seconds, before releasing your finger.
Step 5: Step back from the doorbell and wait.

Congratulations, you all just received your doorbell diploma.

Why is this so hard? Don’t hold it down too long. And don’t you dare press it more than once. It’s a doorbell. We hear it.

The proper thing to do after ringing the doorbell is to wait. Back away from the door, even turn to look at the street for half a second so you don’t look threatening, because when we come to the door, we’re looking through the peephole and don’t want to be staring up your nose. So, back up.

After about 25 seconds, if no one answers the door, walk away. Accept defeat and leave.

Some people don’t walk away, I find. This is where improper etiquette begins.

They ring the doorbell again. Surely no one in the house heard the loud noise the first time.

In addition to a second ring of the doorbell, they proceed to knock on the windows, or the door itself. Hold on, why are we knocking now? Police knock, right before they break down the door. Cool it, Johnny Knocks-a-lot. Stop watching detective shows.

I don’t know, knocking is kinda frightening, is it not? It’s very horror film-ish. A loud knock at the door meant you hid under the sink in the kitchen and hope the bad guys don’t find you while you’re sitting on the dish detergent.

Then there are those that approach the front door and don’t even look for the doorbell. They instantly start knocking. Huh? Where did you go to doorbell school?

Some houses have a screen door before the solid front door. Some people have come up to my house, opened the screen door, and then knocked on our front door.

Sorry, why are you opening our door now? The screen door is there so when we open the front door, we still have a barricade between ourselves and whoever you claim to be.

One step further: one salesman opened our screen door, and then proceeded to open our front door. Look, I know this is Canada, but you can’t just walk right in! What are you trying to do? Shout into the house saying you’re at the door? Heeeeere’s Johnny? Stop.

People are weird.

Trick or Treating at Halloween was supposed to prepare people for the real world of doorbells. When you’re a kid, sometimes you’re too short to reach the doorbell. But you dream of the day when you’re tall enough to ring every doorbell, no matter the height of it. Maybe I’m the only one who had that dream.

Last thing, don’t let people into your house.

We’re here to check your ____ which should be located in your basement.

Uh, no you are not. That is not how it works. Don’t be the person that invites themselves to every party. You don’t see me showing up at your house saying, “Hey, can I tour your house, and then use your toilet? I had burritos for lunch.”

I’ll say it again, people are weird. Avoid them.

Moral of the story, if you go to a stranger’s house, ring the doorbell once and wait. If no one answers, leave. Unless it’s really important, like you want to give them money. Other than that, don’t try to guilt them into answering the door with a second ring and an intimidating knock.

We’ve all seen Home Alone, we’re prepared for anything.

Don’t be a ding-dong, ring the doorbell.