S..l..o..w…..W..a..l..k..e..r..s

If you’re a slow walker, this one’s for you. Pull up a chair, grab some chips, take one last look at your phone screen, and let’s begin.

Oh, looks like we have a few stragglers still coming in. I’ll wait.

Everyone here? Good.

I don’t like slow walkers. I don’t mean to offend you. I’m sure you’re a great person.

Now I’m not talking about people with injuries, the elderly, children, or people who say their strides are shorter than other people – because they are short – which is why they can’t keep up. (I’ve seen short people that can really motor though). I have no problem with you individuals, whatsoever.

I’m talking about the ones that have total disregard for a brisk pace when situations call for a brisk pace.

The ones that seem to pick up one foot, hold it in the air for as long as possible, and then put it down and do the same with the next foot.

For instance, when a sporting event finishes, most people are rushing to catch public transit. There is no time to waste. The train will leave with or without you. If you want to walk slowly when people behind you are in a hurry, put your signal on, pull over to the side, and let the parade go by.

I think high school was the worst place for slow walkers. It was a time when being cool and fitting in was as important as being at the front of the lunch line, for some people.

How dare you walk quickly through the hallway to get to your class at the opposite end of the school? How dare you want to get to class? How dare you be on time? You’re such a keener. Why are you walking so fast?

The slow walkers in high school were also likely to be the ones who stood in the middle of the hallway with their pack of friends and prevent anyone from getting through. We all stood in packs in the morning, but some picked the middle of the hallway.

Just imagine how the traffic report would sound.

We have heavy delays in the main hall as traffic is at a stand still, literally. Up on the second floor, we have backups on the on ramps and major congestion on the collectors. The school board should really make wider hallways…oh wait, they shouldn’t. They should teach students how to walk because apparently yesterday’s math lesson isn’t the only thing they have forgotten. Over to Ronald for sports. Ronald…

If you’re going to walk slowly, or not at all, move to the side. The side. THE SIDE.

It is just so painful walking behind slow walkers. Sometimes I think if they walk any slower, they would be going in reverse.

Passing a slow walker isn’t always easy. It’s like passing a race car that has car problems, but won’t admit defeat, so they start employing defensive driving tactics. Cutting you off at corners. Taking away your angles. Watching you in their mirrors to see which side you’re trying to pass on so they can block you.

It’s a downright battle.

And sometimes, if you’re walking on the sidewalk, obstructions get in the way. Especially when you’re walking downtown.

Then there are neighbourhood sidewalks. They are only so wide. Maybe two people can fit side-by-side, right? Encountering two slow walkers side-by-side is awful. Because then you have to walk on the grass beside them to pass them.

I’ve always wondered what they think when I do that. Do they see me pass by and think to themselves, “Wow, that guy really wanted to get passed us” and then proceed to stare a hole through the back of my head?

Slow walkers, enlighten me. What do you think when a normal-walking-speed pedestrian passes you?

I didn’t come across as many slow walkers in university. Sure there were some around campus, but you could tell they just came from an exam and were shell shocked, or they hadn’t slept in a week. I could empathize with that.

Then there are the people that walk slowly because they are texting at the same time. I used to be bothered by people that texted while walking. I’m not really bothered by it anymore. Why? Because I do it sometimes.

Sometimes you have to. Sometimes you have to meet your friends somewhere and you have to tell them you just got off the train and you’ll be there in three minutes. Sure, you can pull over to the side, stand there, and send the message. But what if you’re already late? Call them? No one calls. Sorry.

I like to think that I’m pretty good at walking and texting. I only do it if absolutely necessary (I decide when it’s absolutely necessary). I move at the same pace as if I wasn’t texting. And I don’t hit anyone. So other than getting disapproving looks from strangers, what’s the problem?

The problem is when people almost slow to a stop when they’re trying to walk and text. The people who forget to look up and almost get clocked because of it. THE PEOPLE WHO CROSS THE STREET WHILE LOOKING DOWN AT THEIR PHONE.

That last one really bothers me. I’ve seen it done. The person almost got hit. I mean, how stupid can you be? That might not be an example of a slow walker, but it’s an example of utter stupidity.

Walking among a group of strangers can be cool. You hear snippets of random conversations. It can also be an obstacle course.

There is nothing worse than shortening your stride and trying to prevent yourself from stepping on the heels of the person in front of you. Because once you do that, you have to apologize.

Sorry you’re walking so slow.

But once you pass them, there is nothing better than seeing empty land in front of you…

…until you catch up to the next herd of slow walkers, that is.

There is always a next herd.