I’m starving, let me go to a sit-down restaurant where I have to wait twenty more minutes before I can silence my stomach. Where is the logic in that?
This is the general process at a sit-down restaurant.
1. You enter the restaurant.
2. You are seated.
3. Waiter tells you their name, hands out menus, and asks what you want to drink.
4. Your drinks arrive at the table and everyone takes a sip like they’ve been in a desert for three weeks.
5. The waiter asks you and the people you are with if you need more time with the menu.
6. You all look at each other with a look on your respective faces.
7. It’s a look that says: I need more time but I don’t know if you need more time. If you don’t need more time, and no one else needs more time, I don’t want to slow down the process of us getting food in our stomachs, but I need more time so let me look around until I see someone’s face that says ‘I need more time’….ah, I found them.
8. You all murmur that you need more time with the menu.
9. The waiter leaves, and it feels like they may never return. Because when they return, you have to be ready.
10. Everyone at the table gets serious and buckles down on potential options.
11. You poll your friends, asking what they are getting.
12. You all decide on what you want to eat.
13. One friend says, “close the menu so they know we’re ready.” There is always that one friend in the group who is responsible for saying this.
14. Where is that waiter?
15. One person opens their menu again because they forgot their order.
16. The waiter returns. Thank God.
17. YES WE ARE READY TO ORDER, you say in unison, as starvation starts to take over your ability to act normal.
18. You all order.
19. The waiter doesn’t write anything down and this makes you nervous. You wonder if they are lazy. You wonder if they have the best memory in the history of mankind. You wonder if they are trying to impress you for a larger tip. You wonder how they will remember the three toppings you want on your burger, and the 5 toppings someone else wants on their burger. You wonder if they are human.
20. The waiter leaves and you ask each other how they could possibly remember everyone’s order?
21. It’s been three minutes, WHERE’S THE FOOD.
22. Excuse me, could we get more bread for the table please?
23. Excuse me, could we get some more water for the table please?
24. Finally the bread and water show up to the table.
25. Someone points out that the bread will fill everyone up and it’s not wise to eat it all. This is the same person who told everyone to close their menu. This person is vital at every sit-down restaurant.
26. You see your waiter walking your way with food, and your eyes widen.
27. The waiter takes the food to the table next to you. Incessant sobbing may or may not commence.
28. Some people, who you have never seen before, deliver the food to your table. You would hug them, but the food takes precedence.
29. One person is left without their food, as everyone else acquiesces and waits for the last meal to arrive.
30. One person takes out their cellphone to take a picture of their food, just in case they need proof later of what made them so sick. Who am I kidding, the picture is for Instagram.
31. The last meal arrives and it’s like Christmas morning.
33. More silence.
34. Finally someone at the table takes a break from hoarding food in their mouth and asks, “How’s the food?”
35. Everyone says it’s really good and the hoarding continues.
36. The waiter comes by when everyone’s mouth is full and asks how the food is.
37. Everyone says it’s good and the waiter is not seen again until your plates are empty.
38. Everyone finished eating and someone proclaims they are still hungry. Others agree.
39. The waiter finally returns.
40. Would you like to see the dessert menu?
41. Again, everyone at the table looks at each other with that look. We’re all a bunch of face readers. All it takes is one person who wants to look at the dessert menu and then you all get the dessert menu. Time to scan everyone’s face to see if there is an eager beaver in the bunch.
42. There is an eager beaver. You ask for the dessert menu.
43. The food baby is starting to grow in everyone’s stomach.
44. Everyone looks at the dessert menu and realizes it’s not worth it.
45. You ask for your separate bills, and more water. Must. Have. Water.
46. The waiter comes back with separate bills and asks if anyone needs a machine.
47. Most of the table is paying by debit. Buckle up, you’ll be here a while.
48. Finally everyone pays and you’re free to go. But who will move first? Who will be the first one to get up and lead the pack?
49. One person slowly starts to stand up and they are relieved to see someone else start to stand up as well.
50. Before you know it, the whole table is up and on the way out.
And that basically sums up a sit-down restaurant routine. I’m sure there are slight variations. If I left something out, I’m sure someone will tell me about it.
If you’re wondering why I didn’t mention appetizers, I need an entire blog post to talk about those.
Hope I made you hungry!