Raccoon Watch 2015

Getting right into things, there was a raccoon on my neighbour’s roof tonight. What was it doing up there? I don’t know. It wasn’t accepting questions from the media.

Instead of saying “raccoon” a hundred times throughout this post, I’m just going to give the furry fellow a name. Let’s call him (her?), Racket. There, a nice gender-neutral name. Close friends of Racket simply refer to him (her?)…okay, I’m just going to call him a him. Deal with it.

Where was I, ah yes, close friends of Racket simply call him Rack, Racky, Kit, or R, for short. Depends on the situation, so I’m told.

Just after 8pm, Racket was on top of my neighbour’s roof. Like I said, it wouldn’t tell us why it was there. My assumption was that it heard you can see the city from the roofs on our street and it wanted to see if it was true.

Once it got tired of the roof, it decided to climb down. It took the eavestrough spout. Is that what it’s called? The tubing that connects to the eavestrough that goes to the ground?

The not so itsy bitsy raccoon went down the eavestrough spout, yada yada yada, and cut across the lawn.

Okay, so that sing-a-long didn’t turn out quite like I hoped.

Once Racket was back on solid ground, he slowly made his was over to my front lawn. He stopped in the middle to peck at the grass, and kept going. He’s on the move.

He crossed the driveway and jumped the fence. What a hooligan! Jumping fences. He could’ve gone around, but I can’t help but think he knew he had an audience so he had to show off.

By the way, we were inside the house tracking it’s every move, not outside. I even suggested we hook it up to a GPS.

So after it jumped our fence, it was now in a walkway leading toward a park. Okay, little Racky is going home for the night.

NOPE.

It was like the OJ chase. This creature wasn’t gonna pull over. No. It crossed the walkway and climbed over my other neighbour’s fence.

What I learned tonight was how strong raccoons are. I mean, raccoons would crush you in an arm wrestling contest every time. No contest.

This guy was climbing down a fence head first at a 90 degree angle. If I were in his position, I’d lose my grip, land on my head, break my beck, and then only be able to have pudding for the next month.

But Racket was ferocious. He climbed that fence like a specialist as I screamed: Parkour, Parkour! Was I rooting for his escape? In that moment, I was.

What did he do next? He climbed up to the top of their roof.

At this point, a part of me was a bit offended. What, my roof isn’t good enough for you to see the city? Maybe he didn’t want to sit on my roof and take a selfie with me in the background staring out of my bedroom window. I would’ve photobombed that thing. Racky knows it.

After he took a selfie on their roof and posted it to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram (with no filter because that’s how he rolls), he decided to come down.

I can just picture all of his friends on their Racbook’s, looking at his pictures and wishing it were them. Yes, I said Racbook. It’s the number one selling laptop in the raccoon community, didn’t you know?

So once he climbs down, he then climbs the fence leading to their backyard. Racket disappeared behind the shrubbery and I never saw him again. Dun dun dun…

That’s not to say I won’t see him tomorrow. For all I know, he’ll read this post, show up outside my window like it’s a McDonald’s drive-thru, and give me a piece of his mind.

I’m terrified.

I can handle him though, I think. As long as there is a window between us.

“Sorry, we’re not open for lunch yet, sir” is what I’d tell him, right before I close my blinds, hide behind a rocking chair, and rock back and forth. Ironic.

Many years ago there was a raccoon in my background sitting on our deck, staring into our house. What a stalker!

So I sat next to the window and stared deeply into its eyes. It was a strange moment. I’d imagine a bride and groom experience the same thing while standing at the altar right before they say two words and three letters.

I was in a staring contest with this raccoon, who we later found out had a bad leg, so climbing the fence to escape was difficult.

Long story, short, it won the staring contest. It didn’t blink for about three minutes, while my eyes were drained of all fluid, just trying to compete.

Raccoons are pesky creatures. They get what they want. Maybe they heard that our city is coming out with “Raccoon-proof garbage bins.” Seriously. If I were a raccoon, I’d take it as a challenge.

What I find funny about this is they probably tested the garbage bin against raccoons to see if they could bust them open. You know, Minute To Win It game show style.

Why are we provoking raccoons? They can climb on top of our houses. Hello!?!?

For all I know, Racket was just out on a scouting mission to report back to his friends.

No one is safe.

Raccoon Watch 2015. Are you ready?

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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11 Responses to Raccoon Watch 2015

  1. Mathilde says:

    Oh that was great, thank you so much for the good laugh! I’ll never look at a racoon the same way again…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. tontaybla says:

    Omg this was great. my mother, many years ago, was chased from the parking lot to our apartment on the 3rd floor by a ferret I think all rodents have it out for us humans!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Barb Knowles says:

    So odd. Great post by the way. Aren’t they social animals? No partner? Maybe he was scoping out the neighborhood before bring his family around.

    Like

  4. hmekeel says:

    Hahaha have you seen Racky again at all? I would really like to arm wrestle him and see if I can win. One time, a muscuar man came to cut down a dead tree at my Grandma’s house, and as it fell to the ground a momma raccoon and three babies ran out of the trunk. He fell to the ground and screamed like a little girl.

    Like

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