Name a condiment that is more controversial than ketchup. You can’t do it!
I like ketchup with fries. And when I say fries, I’m talking about the potato family and it’s members, like Little Brother Wedge. But not Cousin Mashed, though. I’ve never had ketchup with mashed potatoes; I’m not sure if that’s even a thing.
Just looked it up, Google has a picture of ketchup on top of mashed potatoes. By the way, the mashed potatoes in that picture were on top of white bread.
I’m gonna be sick.
The marriage between ketchup and potato is a happy one. They have their squabbles, like any couple would (see mashed potatoes with ketchup), but they work things out and are a pretty formidable duo.
I’m a proud member of the “Ketchup On The Side” team. You all know what that means, right? It means you pick up your fries and dip them in a puddle of ketchup that has been strategically placed to side of your mountain of delicious, salty, fries.
Putting ketchup on top of your mountain of delicious, salty, fries is like an invasion of privacy. It’s a dangerous and messy proposition. It’s like a kindergarten finger painting session gone wrong.
Oh no, little Billy is running around with four colours of paint on his hands and no regard for clean clothes.
I don’t know, ketchup on top of your mountain of delicious, salty, fries (hungry yet?) just seems messy. Yes, even if you do eat them with a fork.
Then there are the packets of ketchup we get at fast-food restaurants. I’ve seen people forgo the obvious options of ketchup on the side, or on top, and create a third option.
They pick up a delicious, salty, fry with one hand, while holding the ketchup packet in the other. Then, like a bottle of Elmer’s glue that you last used in fifth grade arts and crafts, they squeeze the ketchup directly from the packet, onto the fry they are holding.
I don’t understand.
Maybe they don’t have anywhere to put a puddle of ketchup on the side and refuse to put it all over the top? In that case, and only that case, you sacrifice about 3-4 of your fries and put the moat of ketchup on top of it. You have to. You just have to.
What’s next? Poking one end of a straw in a fry and the other end of the straw in the ketchup packet and creating an intravenous? Someone try this!
Like I said earlier, the ketchup and potato relationship isn’t without it’s squabbles, but normally it’s a happy one.
My problem is when ketchup goes off and associates with other foods. Why is it so hard for ketchup to have a monogamous relationship? Don’t answer that.
I’m not afraid to say it – maybe I should be – but I don’t put ketchup on my burgers. Calm down, it’s not the end of the world. I won’t die.
I’ve tried it enough times to know that I never want to taste the combination of burger, ketchup, and other condiments together again.
It just doesn’t go together. It’s like pouring orange juice into your bowl of cereal.
Plus, there is the messy factor. When you eat a burger, you press down on the top of it first. Can we all agree on that? Once you do that, condiments are going to move. That’s life. Condiments move. They shift. They merge. THEY FALL OUT OF YOUR BURGER.
I don’t know, but I don’t need ketchup seeping out the sides of my burger onto my hands or anything else. You may say I don’t want to get messy while eating a burger. I say I don’t want to waste my time putting a burger down to wipe the ketchup off my hands.
If something is a nuisance to eat, why do it? Because of the taste. Fine, that’s a viable reason. But I don’t like the taste of ketchup on a burger, so that doesn’t work here.
Then people put ketchup on hot dogs. My goodness. I like mustard, relish, and hot peppers on my hot dogs. Why in the world am I going to throw ketchup into the fray? Give me 64 good reasons.
Again, the taste is horrendous. And again, the messy factor.
This isn’t all-you-can-eat rib night at the local restaurant where it’s socially acceptable to have sauce dripping down your face for three hours while you gorge through the chicken population.
This is ketchup with hot dogs. I just don’t get it. If you like it, fine. I just don’t get it.
And last but not least, I need to address ketchup on macaroni and cheese.
What in the world is going on here?
Ketchup is made from tomatoes. Tomato sauce is commonly associated with pasta noodles and cheese. Fine. I see that connection.
But notice how we put tomato sauce on pasta and not ketchup. There is a reason for that! Honour that reason!
The first time I saw someone put ketchup on mac and cheese, I thought it was a joke. Remember in elementary school how kids would mix disgusting concoctions and dare someone to eat/drink them? That’s what I thought the end game of me witnessing ketchup on top of mac and cheese would be.
The person ate the entire meal. It wasn’t a joke.
I don’t understand. The whole purpose of mac and cheese is to enjoy the warm cheese. You can’t go throwing ketchup on top and wave it in the air like you just don’t care!
To quote Big Bird: “One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong.”
Thank you, Big Bird.
I realize that people love ketchup with burgers, hot dogs, and mac and cheese. You’re allowed to like those combinations…I guess.
But in all seriousness, that’s what fascinates me about humanity. We all like what we like and we hate what we hate. I can go on a rant about how ketchup with anything other than potatoes is disgusting, while someone reading this will think the exact opposite.
In summation, ketchup is controversial, but that’s why we love it…with FRIES. Period.