400 is The New 80!

Get excited, kids! If you didn’t receive that one thing you really wanted for your birthday this year, don’t worry! There’s always next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, and then about 475 more years after that!

The other day, a Google executive by the name of Bill Maris, claimed that humans can live for 500 years. And just in case you thought I added an extra zero by accident, I’ll spell it out for you.

FIVE HUNDRED YEARS.

As I said, get excited.

I’m not going to get into the probability of that happening. I’m not going to discuss the science of it. Science and I go together like a pickle on top of chocolate cake.

If you must know how this is allegedly possible, please feel free to Google such information AFTER you finish reading my blog. Ironic, googling something on Google to find out something about Google.

Instead of doubting this claim, let’s go along with it.

I’m 23-year-old, does this mean I still have about 442 years before I can retire?

That’s a long time. Ten years ago seems like a long time ago. I don’t know if I can handle 442 more.

Though that would be a lot of birthday cake. A lot of birthday cake. Actually, all of that cake may even shorten your life expectancy about 30 years. Darn, now you only live until you’re 470. Tough luck.

Bingo halls are going to be packed. PACKED. My goodness, can you imagine this? Parking lots are going to need about 10 levels of parking to accommodate. 

Scratch that, imagine all the shuttle busses from senior residences.

Bus #53 is now boarding. Bus #53 is now boarding.”

Unbelievable. Think of the congestion.

There are already over seven billion people on this planet. We might have to look into leasing space on some other planets, just saying.

Would there be enough food for all of us? Stock up now, kids! Ask for cans of beans and corn for your birthday, forget about a remote control car. You can get that whenever. Besides, the batteries in it only last so long before you need to replace them. And by replacing them, you’ll be using money you could have used on food. Therefore, by proxy, you starve.

DO YOU WANT TO STARVE FOR OVER 400 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE?

Maybe extreme couponers are on to something. But I digress.

I joked earlier that the retirement age could be 465. That’s extremely problematic for a ton of College students. You want a job right after graduation? Get in line, bring a sleeping bag, and prepare to wait a few many decades.

Alright, so let’s talk about wrinkles and hair loss.

People already start freaking out about that stuff in their twenties. You mean to tell me that we can start going bald by the age of thirty, but still be around for about 470 more years?

Well, at least you’ll save a lot of money on shampoo, right?

Or maybe you’ll get a hair transplant. I wouldn’t, but maybe you would.

How about the phrase “respect your elders.” I bet people in their 90s never thought they’d still have to abide by that creed.

Would people in their mid to late 200s look at a 95-year-old and think of them as immature? I look at kids eight years younger than me and think they have a lot of growing up to do. But here, the age gap would be triple digits. I mean, we’re really stretching the possibilities now.

You know how girls get all excited about their 16th birthday? Ha, that seems pointless now, doesn’t it?

Or when adults hit “The Big 50”. Will that still be a thing? I think I’d rather celebrate “The Big 300”. That seems like more of a milestone.

I don’t think we would need history textbooks. Everyone over the age of 200 could just come in and talk to the class every day.

Hey history teachers in the year 2200, if you need a first hand account of how children grew up in the last decade of the 1900’s, I’m your guy. Tweet me.

Speaking of sports, if I live until I’m 500-years-old, maybe I will see the Toronto Maple Leafs win a Stanley Cup. Then again, maybe I won’t. Badum shhh.

What if I get to an age where there is nothing left for me to do? What if by the age 300 I have tried absolutely everything?

Learned every language; tried every food; exhausted all possible Halloween costumes; been everywhere in the world; watched every television series ever uploaded to the Internet.

I mean, what if I get to a point where there is absolutely nothing left to do? Oh that’s right, I’ll just re-watch every television series ever made. Nevermind, midlife crisis averted!

Let’s talk about marriage for a second.

Think about it. I feel like once couples get close to 100 years together there would be nothing that can drive them to a divorce. If you’ve been together for 100 years, you’re not going to cheat on your spouse. You would’ve done that by then. So what exactly would tear couples apart?

By then you would have learned how to cope with everything your spouse throws at you, no? First couple that gets to their 100th anniversary, let me know what it would take to break up. I’ll be here.

Radio stations are going to have an extremely difficult time pleasing everyone’s tastes. Playing “the oldies” will have a whole new meaning. They won’t be songs from 25+ years ago, they will likely be songs from a couple of centuries ago.

Imagine, it’s the year 2308 and they have a station committed to playing all the teenage pop songs of today. God help us all.

That’s a scary proposition.

In all seriousness, is living until you’re 500-years-old really something people would want?  I wouldn’t.

Sure it would be cool to stick around a while and see what direction the world goes in, but would I really want to be walking down the sidewalk when I’m 350 and have to dodge frisbees or whatever kids will be throwing around?

Scratch that, kids don’t play outside anymore, why would that change in the future?

What if I choose to retire before I’m 100-years-old? Do I have to worry about how I’m going to afford things for the next 400ish years?

That’s where this entire thing becomes less comical. Who would really want to live that long? How useful would you really be? I guess that’s where science comes into play, but I don’t really want mechanical limbs and a re-wired mind (or whatever they have to do to me) just so I can stick it out that long.

I’ve always thought that living until I’m 100 would be cool. Living until I’m 500 just sounds stressful.

And on that note, you’re all invited to my 400th birthday party!

But spare me the whole, “Are you one, are you two, are you three…etc.” charade. I’ll be dead before you get to 400.

Just bring an appetite and a whole lot of candles!

Please RSVP. Gotta book the bingo hall…

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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2 Responses to 400 is The New 80!

  1. The Chirping Canary says:

    I’m going to do something I thought I would never, ever, ever (400 years later) ever do.

    FIRST!!

    Liked by 1 person

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