Big Brother or Big Bother?

Remember when you were a kid and your parents always told you that, “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, as long as you have fun.” They only said that so if you lost, you wouldn’t cry, fold your arms, and storm off crying and yelling. Believe me, camp counsellors use the same technique. It helps us avoid the conversation where we lie and tell the kid that everything is okay and that they will get another chance. Anyways, that “as long as you have fun” mentality should come with a label that reads “for kids 12 and under.” It doesn’t, which means that some adults still maintain this mentality. And unfortunately, they all seem to be contestants on this season of Big Brother. 

Before I move on, I just want to self-reflect on how nicely I put a bow on that opening paragraph. Man, I’m quite the literary gift wrapper. Ok, now we can move on…

Big Brother is on it’s 15th season. I have been watching since season 2. If you don’t know what Big Brother is, let me explain. No, it is not a member of a family who is male and older than their siblings. It is a show where sixteen people live in a house together with no access to the outside world – so pretty much jail. The show’s motto is “Expect The Unexpected.” Each week a competition is held to declare a new Head of Household (HOH). The HOH is an OHO away from being Santa Claus. Sorry, that’s not part of the game – just something that popped in my head. Anyways, the HOH nominates two people for eviction. Then, a veto competition is held whereby the winner of the competition can remove one of the nominations which forces the HOH to nominate someone else. Comprender so far? Good. On Thursday, the houseguests vote to evict. The nominees don’t vote and the HOH only votes in the case of a tie. And that’s it. I’m still waiting for the season where the HOH must assign chores and cooking duties to the other houseguests. Maybe next year.

So then there is this season. It was billed as the biggest season of Big Brother ever. This inclined that it would also be the best season. Right there, they were doomed. The cast this season has been boring, racist, unrelatable, and downright scared to make moves.

The game started with a twist. For the first time, three houseguests would be nominated for eviction. They said that this would encourage the players to make big moves and discourage floaters. I want to know, where did this show get that information? I would think that nominating three people would scare the players and encourage more of them to lay low so they are not a target. Oh look, I was right.

HOLY ORANGE POPSICLE IT’S BEEN A SNOOZEFEST THIS SEASON.

Before the season started, I picked Aaryn as one of the people I would cheer for because I thought she could win the game. Well, she’s proving me right. She can win this game. She has been HOH four times already. Too bad she’s made racist comments about other houseguests and denies being a person with problems. I can’t cheer for someone like that even if she might prove me right and win the game.

I haven’t seen her make one decision for herself. She is nominating people and saying if she didn’t nominate those people then she would be in trouble. She would be a target. People would be mad at her. Seriously? You’re not egging someone’s house on Halloween. You’re playing a game. This past week she didn’t nominate Amanda because “Amanda is scary” and would go after her. AARYN, SHE CAN’T GO AFTER YOU IF YOU NOMINATE HER AND SHE IS EVICTED. IF THEY ARE NOT IN THE HOUSE, THEY CANNOT COME AFTER YOU. I really don’t know what she is thinking. I would hazard to guess that she still believes there are monsters living under her bed, too.

Everyone has played the game in fear. Fear of getting blood on their hands. Fear of making people mad. Fear of standing up to the bullies. Ultimately, they are afraid to win. They aren’t playing to win; they are playing not to lose. Think about that.

Amanda and McCrae are running the house. Amanda is the intimidator who can’t win challenges and thinks that the viewers love her. No, Amanda. That is not true. We see through your fake cleverness and wit in those diary room sessions. Stop trying to control how we think. Haven’t you read the Internet lately? Oh that’s right, you have no access to the outside world. I guess your crystal ball told you that your a fan favourite. What a fool.

McCrae is her boyfriend that she met when the game started. He does not wear the pants in the relationship. He wears the pajamas – all day, every day. He delivers pizza for a living. I’m not going to bash him for that – money is money, no matter how you earn it. I am waiting for the day where he finally stands up to Amanda and stabs her in the back and votes her out. That day needs to come, but he is blinded by love. Poor fellow. I don’t think anyone remaining in that house deserves to win, but if McCrae mans up and turns on her, he gets my vote.

Helen, oh, Helen. I was so happy when you got evicted last week. I hated how you cheered for everyone in every competition. Why did you do that? Helen literally cheered for every single houseguest, at one time or another, during competitions. I hated it. Fine, cheer for the people you are in an alliance with, but why cheer for the people who are against you. I understand that she wanted everyone to like her, but I saw through it just like a bird sees through a freshly cleaned window. So that bothered me.

What also bothered me about Helen was she would always panic whenever someone confronted her. If someone caught her in a lie, she would scramble, trip over her words and then walk away. You can’t win this game without looking someone in the eyes and lying to them. Helen couldn’t do that. She was also one of those people that made it look like they were so busy when she really wasn’t. She wasn’t “masterminding” anything. Helen, like Amanda, has absolutely zero self-perception. Because of that, she was met with the axe of Amanda. See ya, Helen. Great person, poor game player. I’d like to play poker with Helen one day.

Ohhhhhh I almost forgot one thing about Helen. Every time she went in the diary room and voted to evict someone, she would always turn her body and head in so many different directions like she was a model on a runway with a nervous twitch every 0.3 seconds. Is that what they taught her in drama class in Grade 9? Good thing I took Art. It was really bad and it looked like she was trying to put on a show and win some fans. If anything, she gave people nightmares.

Now for Andy. Andy, like everyone else, doesn’t want to get blood on his hands. Andy, like everyone else, is a floater. He is floating by, thinking he’s doing stuff, but isn’t. ANDY, DO SOMETHING. And pick a side. Every season there is a person who doesn’t win a lot of competitions and claims they are playing a “strategic game.” I believe some of them. Some of them, I don’t believe. Andy falls into that category. He is like a person who says they went for a run, but leaves out the fact they ate an entire party size pizza. Man, I love analogies. He is the third wheel to Amanda and McCrae. Did no one ever tell him that eventually people move on from tricyles to bicycles? Which means the third wheel gets kicked to the curb, or worse, sold at a garage sale. Don’t get sold at a garage sale, Andy.

Elissa – She is Rachel’s sister. Rachel is a previous winner of Big Brother and one of the fiercest competitors the show has ever seen. Her sister? Not so much. She always seems to be preoccupied with yoga or running around the backyard to stay in shape. She cried when Helen got evicted. They were in an alliance and were good friends. Fine. If I were in that house, I wouldn’t cry when someone got evicted – no matter who they were. All it means is that you are one step closer to winning. I think these houseguests forget that sometimes.

Spencer – Everyone thinks he is a big target and can’t be trusted. Excuse me!?!? This guy hasn’t been in an alliance with anyone for about 4 weeks. He has also never been HOH and does poorly in competitions. How is he a threat? He isn’t. He is a patsy. He wasn’t given an invitation to sit with the cool kids at lunch. He has a big beard, a big belly, and a big target on his back, which shouldn’t be there.

This house is targetting people that have no allegiance to anyone else because when they vote someone out, they don’t want to have other people coming after them. It is a cowardly way to play the game and makes it very boring for the viewers at home. Most of the evictions have been by a unanimous vote. I have never seen a season where the entire house seems to be in the same alliance.

This season is dull and is a big bother. The houseguests that were the first ones evicted were actually entertaining. David was dumb as a post, but people like watching stupid people on TV. I guess this is what happens when the first words of game talk in the house were “let’s make an all girls alliance.” Women really do ruin everything.

As for the houseguests I didn’t mention, just read Andy’s part again and you’ll get the same story. Floaters. All of them. Instead of making big moves, they are scared. Spencer is the perfect person to align with right now because he is looking for ANYTHING that gives him a chance to stay in the house. Throw him a bone, he’ll take it and be loyal – he won’t have a choice.

These people are boring, uninteresting, and don’t know how to play the game. The person who cast this group of drones should never be allowed anywhere near an application form/video ever again.

I’m convinced these people have never played the game board, “Trouble”. Anyone who has played that game knows, “It’s fun getting into trouble.” I’m pretty sure playing that game is a prerequisite for life.

I just want a little bit of drama in the house. That’s all I ask. Maybe release 5 sheep and number them 1, 2, 3, 4, and 6. Now THAT will get things going. I can already see the houseguests scrambling. “Where is the fifth sheep?” “I don’t know,” “I guess we’ll have to sleep with two eyes open tonight.” “Or, shleep with two eyes open. Get it, shleeep. Like sheep?” “I’m off to do yoga.” Oh man, why am I the only one thinking of this stuff. Hopefully these houseguests grow up and realize that you play to win the game and not just for fun.

I’ll be back next week after the next eviction. Or hopefully Julie Chen will put us out of our misery and open the show by saying, “We are ending the season now – no one wins. Tune in next summer.” Now that would truly live up to their “Expect The Unexpected” tagline.

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About Paul

This is the part where I'm supposed to write something interesting about myself and you'll read it and think, "That's not that interesting." So let's not do that and just think about pizza instead, on the count of three. One, two, three. Donuts. Now, wasn't that interesting?
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